Turned off my lights for “earth hour”. I’ve never had so many other cars honking at me.
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Twitter: Worchest… Worce… Woostishire, haha this word is so hard to spell, am I right?
Also Twitter: GIMME ALL THE SRIRACHA
Jerk chicken is just regular chicken that made fun of me in high school
The worst part about crapping my pants at work was having to set the ACCIDENT FREE sign back to zero days in front of everybody.
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You know what a cubicle basically says? It says ‘We don’t think you’re smart enough for an office,but we don’t want you to look at anybody.’
Mary Had a Little Lamb, Little Lamb, Little
Lamb. Maybe she wasn’t that hungry.
My boss just criticized me, saying that my writing is almost unintelligible and unbecoming a professional, but I don’t think it’s portmantotally malapropriate.
“Hey pregnant, I’m dad”
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“Oh god wait.”
hackers play passwordle
[God creating teenagers]
What’s the most expensive way to be ignored?
The most romantic restaurant in the world is not as dimly lit as the operating room on a TV medical drama.
New shoes. I feel like I should go outside and step directly in dog crap and get it over with.
When somebody asks for directions I just say “follow your heart” and drive away.
me: i can’t believe you cheated on me
him: phew! I was worried you’d believe it
The worst thing about parallel parking is witnesses..
For you sir I would recommend one of our deluxe funeral plans where I won’t dig you up and slap you around when I’m feeling mad at skeletons
Me: [Walks into kitchen]
[Evil spirit flings open all the cabinet doors]
Me: [Gasps]
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I still have Pringles?
The most unrealistic part of The X Files was how no one got called into a budget meeting. It’s a government agency for crying out loud
Santa saw your nudes and he’s getting you moisturizer, and a good razor.
When my phone rings, I stay very, very still. If I don’t move, it can’t see me.
Two roads diverged in a yellow wood,
And I’m terrible with decisions, so I went home.
Fun prank: steal a $2 beer. Get caught. Don’t pay the $275 fine. Go to jail for 60 days. The state will spend $3,500 jailing you LOL
stephen king’s mind:
what if dog…bad?
what if car…bad?
what if clown…bad?
what if hotel…bad?
My girlfriend said we should each pick a “hall pass”, just in case we ever met that person. I chose Kate Upton and she chose her roommate Connor
After 35, your body ages in dog years
[Old lady] Please dont pet my dog. She’s a service dog
[Me] Omg I’m so sorry (stands up straight & salutes dog) Thank you for your service
Welcome to your 40’s. Quality pens turn you on now.
But that’s none of my business
[Dog doing something I don’t want him to do]
Me: No
Dog: “Dear Sir or Madam: Thank you for your thoughts on the matter. We shall take them under advisement.”