*sets up booth, hangs up sign “$5 Mustache Rides!” *nobody shows up.
I knew I shouldn’t have named the damn pony ‘mustache’
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I don’t go on Facebook much so Dave, if you’re seeing this, thanks for the invite to your 2007 New Year’s party, hope you had fun dude.
Me: The only thing I’m guilty of is starting singalongs
Judge: And that you killed a man
Me: put a gun against his head
Jury: pulled my trigger now he’s dead
Judge: mama
Me: let’s go vegetarian
Husband: can we still eat eggs
M: of course
H: fish?
M: obviously
H: bacon on special occas-
M: we’d be crazy not to
IN JOB INTERVIEW
EMPLOYER: what do you think you’d bring to our company?
ME: i’m straight up goated. i’m efficiencymaxxing. i’m taskpilled. i’m in my fucking bag
EMPLOYER: ok i think we’ve heard enough
[costume party]
friend: you’re lateme, dressed as a sloth: sorry
Maybe Hitler started WWII after being constantly attacked by time travelers.
Them: Can you describe yourself in five words?
Me: Stay at home couch accessory.
bad
worse
worst
worchester
*mops up wine with cat*
They say a mind is a terrible thing to waste. You have nothing to worry about.
A haunted house for introverts that is just random people popping out and asking questions.
The Queen is crazy if she thinks I’m going to wait until February
Iron Man’s cat is a Fe lion
[dying]
[pop-up message before my eyes] Your life will begin to pass in front of you after this advertisement
Plastic bags biodegrade quicker than my mum getting to the point on the phone.
My 4yr old daughter just charged me $47 for a fake cake she cooked in her pretend oven.
I laughed.
…
She stared at me until I paid her.
Me: Don’t eat that jalapeno.
1-year-old: *eats it*
*screams in pain*
Me: At least you learned your lesson.
1: *eats another one*
Eucalyptus are the only plants named after what they would say if pruned
I need to stop saying “oppa gagnam style!” to fill in awkward pauses in conversation
[Visiting a Cybercafe for the first time]
Me: one internet please
no, YOU’RE holding a fresh loaf of bread like a newborn baby
[any baby is born]
society: first thing we gotta do is teach it animal sounds
Forever 21 has gone bankrupt.
One more Forever that didn’t last.
[1907. the first convenience store opens]
GUY WHO INVENTED INCONVENIENCE STORES: damn
CONVERSATION I JUST HAD:
ME: Two Thin Mints please
GIRL SCOUT: That’ll be $10. Or you can get four boxes for $20!
ME (gentle): Um, that’s not a savings
GIRL SCOUT (NOT gentle): NO ONE SAID IT WAS
…
ME: Four boxes would be great.
Wait a minute—if the cat’s in the cradle, then where—
*baby in kitchen, pushing glasses off table while maintaining eye contact
a murderer snaps my neck but my body just slowly starts to turn neon green
My mom loves telling people that I practically raised myself. I used to think she was proud of my independence, but now I realize she’s been distancing herself from blame.
Why are trains so expensive? You going that way anyways, just drop me off
Them: “How’s your diet going?”
Me: *slowly eats a powdered donut while maintaining eye contact*