Me: *Puts up fake Halloween cob webs*
Spider who just woke up from a night of drinking: What the f
You Might Also Like
“The only thing we have to fear is fear itself” shut up. That’s not true at all. Have you ever seen a really big wasp.
I found a voodoo doll covered with pins on my doorstep. Too bad their plan backfired. They used an acupuncture technique and I’m feeling better than ever.
I swear to god, the next car that cuts me off will be driving in front of me.
Most of being an adult is just trying to figure out where that bruise came from.
Sometimes I drink too much coffee and chase the Amazon guy around the neighborhood
What should we call our new store?
“Will we sell pottery?”
No.
“Is it in a barn?”
No.
“Let’s go with Pottery Barn.”
Hell, I love it Carl.
Zen master: Do you possess the Buddha nature?
Me: Well, I’ve spent 49 days under a tree. But that was just laziness.
*smashes car through your living room*
Fancy meeting you here, have you been getting my text messages?
Alcohol is a perfect solvent: It dissolves marriages, families and careers.
A no carb diet can make you detached, remote and standoffish so occasionally you should eat aloof of bread.
My security system is just a bunch of my unpaid bills taped to my front door
Such a double standard between men & women, like when men have sex with lots of women they’re “players,” but when I do it I’m a “lesbian.”
Swallowed a bunch of tiny figurines and gems before my colonoscopy, because my proctologist deserves a little mystery and wonder.
The beatles purposefully wrote catchy songs to generate interest in their band
At the pediatrician’s office:
Me: I know every word to every song I have ever heard.
Receptionist: Great, but I asked for your son’s birthday.
Me: ……
genie: i can grant u any three wishes, anything u desire
me: ok i wish for a mcflurry
genie: ah sorry the machine isn’t working right now
Twitter has actually made me smarter. I proofread, I verify spelling and punctuation. Downside is I am now mute and haven’t bathed in days.
My wife says I can’t be a Twitter Dom until I finish my chores.
Beards are a privilege, not a right
Bought one of those SMTWTFS, but I can’t pronounce that so I just call it a pill box.
interviewer: it says here u have a number of skills?
me: yes that number is zero
guys in 2000’s: i want my pant legs as wide as possible.
guys now: please spray paint jeans onto me.
SON: Daddy, how come our snowman hasn’t melted, like everyone else’s?
ME: Because it’s made from leftover mashed potato son.
My Cinderella story is backward.
I started out a princess.
Got drunk and lost a shoe when I
met a handsome guy.Now I scrub the floors.
My daughter: Can we stop for ice cream, and then not get any for John?
Me: Stop being awful to your brother. Someday you might need a kidney.
Her: Mom, you know how much water I drink. I will never need that.
you’re not really anticapitalist bro i remember that lemonade stand
*seductively slides hand along store shelf to distract you*
*grabs last bag of Cheetos*
*tucks, rolls, and runs away*
[second date]
“April Fools”
*gets up and leaves
[chef interview]
BOSS: Are you familiar with kitchen jargon
ME: Yeah, that means you’re missing a jar
I still close the bathroom door when I’m home alone bc I don’t want the murderer to break in and see me on the toilet.