“How’s your love life?”
Well, I went on a date. 45 minutes in I realized it was a turtle in a wig.
“I’m sorry man”
it’s ok. still got laid.
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Sorry to all the people my 3yo has yelled at for eating ice cream in a car.
Telling him it was illegal was wrong. I know this now.
Me: I’ll take $50 bucks on pump 1 please
Bartender: get your mouth off the keg sir
First rule of camping: bring the kind of toilet paper that won’t attract animated bears.
I am so tired of living like it’s the 1600s. Can I afford eggs at the market? Are my friends gonna die in the plague? Puritans coming for my sinful lifestyle. I want some modern problems. Modern Problems
Sometimes you find a video that reminds you why social media is the best thing ever
I pack extra bags when I travel so I have room to bring back souvenirs, candies, hotel towels, the extra toilet paper, stuff like that.
Boyfriend Test: Sour Skittles in one hand. Peanut Butter M&Ms in the other. Which do you choose?
WRONG. Neither. Don’t ever take my candy.
Not to brag, but my father bit someone’s ear off long before Mike Tyson made it cool.
Why aren’t you flourishing? Flourish, you piece of shit.
“I’m so lucky to have you.”— Me to my hand.
No, it’s not what you think.
I just watched Hook.
“thank you all for coming to my crisis” i say as i turn to face everyone in the elevator
My dad shouted “shut up idiots” to the cats.
I told him “You’re speaking English to a cat. You’re the idiot. You have to meow at them.”
Wife caved and ripped open the bag of Halloween candy two weeks early.
She should have just used the small hole I cut in the bottom a week ago
Me: They are tiny mints that live in a little plastic coffin
Boss: I said let’s talk tactics
I peed so hard that a little laugh came out
I’m a kid at heart and a senior citizen at knees and back.
me: the wind blew off 3/4 of my roof
friend: oof
me: pretty much
My phone should just know if the passcode is entered incorrectly the first 3 times then it’s definitely me.
My husband put on a ratty old t shirt and asked me how it looked and I had to break it to him that it’d look better in the trash which apparently is marriage code for “it’s probably good for another five years at least.”
Nothing in my life has made me more insecure than the amount of scam emails I get claiming I’ve won an Oral B toothbrush. Is this now my worth? A mere toothbrush? I used to correspond with Nigerian Princes
my Face ID only recognizes me if I have a cookie in my mouth
Maybe I need to quit questioning my parenting and start questioning my children’s childing.
therapist: describe this picture
me: that’s my father yelling at me
therapist: and this one
me: you having sex with my wife
therapist: and this one
me: aren’t these normally ink blots
I’d run way more miles a day if someone holding a bagel was running in front of me and someone holding a spider was chasing after me.
If A Book Store Never Runs Out Of A Certain Book, Dose That Mean That Nobody Reads It, Or Everybody Reads It
How does one answer this?
Manager: Your fired
Me: *You’re
Manager: How did you know I spelled it wrong if I spoke it out loud
Me: How did you know I corrected you
Autocorrect changed swab to swan and now my covid test is way more complicated. And dangerous.
We’ve known each other for a while now and we both feel a deep connection. I think we’re ready to take this to the next level. Tonight I’m going to explain the metric system to you.
Imagine the shock of seeing her in RL with her average sized eyeballs and no antlers…