it’s fun to mess with teachers by training your kids to review books with terms like “sophomoric” and “pedestrian”
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I asked my friend if he wanted a drink and he said to surprise him so I brought back a side salad.
Whenever I work out, I wear a push-up bra so I can do more push-ups. If I didn’t, it’d be so embarrassing and people would laugh at me.
I got chased by two Canadian geese today. I know they were Canadian because when they realized I was genuinely scared, they apologized.
Her: Do you like this outfit?
Him: It’s okay I guess.
What are you doing?Her: Changing.
Him: But we’re gonna be late! I said it was okay!
Men bring a lot of their problems on themselves.
Real women don’t wish their enemies would die, just that they’ll get fat.
Hello 911?
“What’s your emergency?”
You work in a building?
“Yes”
Inside?
“Yes WHAT’S YOUR EM-”
So you’re saying 911’s an inside job?!
If you want to keep a secret from me, write it down and send it to me as a Facebook event invitation.
i’ve dated so many tools i could open a home depot
Onion rings
Me: “Hello?”
the collective noun for a group of reply guys is an audacity
Ran into an old friend who said that they thought I was dead. It was nice catching up.
Technically, everyone owns at least one skeleton, and they all sleep with it in their bed
I like to send love notes in my husband’s lunch like SORRY THE BREAD IS STALE MAYBE YOU SHOULD LEARN TO SEAL IT BACK WHEN YOU ARE DONE
My kid: My mom drinks all day. She keeps filling up her special cup so she can drink all day. Sometimes she even puts this special powder in her drink too.
Me: IT’S WATER. I DRINK WATER ALL DAY WITH LEMONADE POWDER BECAUSE THE CITRIC ACID KEEPS MY KIDNEY STONES AWAY FFS!!
If you enjoy “naked and afraid”, check the the streaming of my new hit show: barefoot and mildly annoyed
I made my bed and found a half eaten stick of butter in it. When I asked my child if she put anything in mommy’s bed, she said “I did not put butter in it.” The mystery continues. More at 11.
Me in my 20s: wakes up in the morning and hops out of bed
Me in my 40s: wakes up and sits on the edge of the bed for 43 minutes preparing my body to walk again.
When I meet someone new I shake their hand really fast and whisper “yes, please don’t stop” because people need to learn not to talk to me.
If I let you into my life, I am either emotionally invested or you are a grilled cheese sandwich.
My yearbook quote is the only thing I am proud of
Could reporters stop asking if political leaders “believe” in climate change and start asking if they understand it instead
The overwhelming urge to stick my finger in queso every time I see some is why I could never work at a Mexican restaurant.
I’m exactly like Rocky in that, I challenge people to fight while I’m slurring my words.
You’ll never be as lazy as the person who named the fireplace.
BOSS: This is my second wife.
ME: Concurrent or consecutive?
Them: “Dance like no one is watching.”
Me: *dances*
Them: “WTF is she doing? She knows we can see her, right?”
[First day of medical school]
Teacher: Here is a diagram of all the vessels of the body…
Me: So in surgery, do we cut the red one or the blue one to diffuse the bomb?
Overheard neighborhood story:
First person: my husband goes out and hoots at the owl every night around 8 and it answers.
Second person: MY husband goes out at hoots at the owl every night around 8 and it answers.
Guys: I’m educated about female issues.
Also guys: why is there a mail box in the girls bathroom stall?
Please put away that scary photo, Tina.
That’s my X-ray.
I’m not sure what’s worse: the fact you dated a skeleton or that its name was Ray.