It’s all fun and games until you realize you’re the girl at work known as “how is she still employed.”
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found my next D&D character name
the kids’ music school announced a summer live family dance jam every wed at 11am, yeah ok, schedule this at a respectable drinking hour if you expect me to do this, but also, no
Saw (2004, Horror): An old man gives 2 people instructions on how to walk out of a bathroom. 102 minutes.
Sometimes Jesus appears on toast, sometimes pancakes, sometimes waffles. Always on breakfast food. Why? It’s the most important meal.
I’m starting a website called onlyflaps.
It’s for plane enthusiasts.
What were you thinking?
[blood starts oozing from the ceiling] Oh my god no someone left the blood tap on
I’m a champion of grammar;
A grampion, if you will.
“I’m usually closed off. But if you get close to me, you’ll find that I’ll really open up.”
-Automatic sliding doors
[During Sex]
“Hurry up, this isn’t really my house.”
Let’s find out what pisses the crickets off and do THAT during the day
Instructor: Welcome to our Summer with Kids Preparedness class. Our first lesson is how to apply sunscreen. Everyone grab an angry raccoon.
How come we never describe an arsonist as someone who lit up a room?
7: mom look I got my math test back!
me: you got 35 out of 35 that’s 100% im so proud of you!
7: cool, so 35 and 35 is 100?
me: …like I said, said proud…
imagine how angry bear grylls’ wife would be if he didn’t like what she cooked for dinner
Brad Pitt wears a skirt and he breaks the internet. I wear one and the HOA is all, “Cease and desist!” and “You’re hurting our eyeballs!” and “You are uninvited to the pancake breakfast!”
I once taught an 8 am college class. So many grandparents died that semester. I then moved my class to 3 pm. No more deaths. And that, my friends, is how I save lives.
No Teflon coated pan has ever been a match for my husband and his love of stirring with sharp utensils.
[diner]
ME: I’ll have the eggs, please
WAITER: how would you like those?
ME: painted and hidden for me to find, thank you.
I want a masterchef for dudes that live by themselves. but not fancy dishes, they just make what they make every day and Ramsey critiques. ‘Allan you made kraft mac and cheese but added a whole block of butter. Chris, you literally just heated a can of beans. who is going home’
Ladies, when a man you meet online says he’s 6 ft, demand a pic of him leaving a convenience store.
My liver’s so black, it went to a respected college, got a great job, and made it’s family very proud.
Weren’t expecting that, huh?
Racist.
“I do not negotiate with terrorists!” said me, everyday, multiple times a day, to my children.
If at first you don’t succeed then try, try again.
Unless you’re skydiving then good luck with that.
Ok, don’t panic… If we hold the North and South Pole down simultaneously for eight seconds, it’ll automatically restore to factory settings.
[first date]
HER: I just love a man who’s not afraid to be honest.
ME: *trying to impress* You sound really stupid right now.
warning lights and gentle chimes are not enough, when my car is low on gas I need it to punch me in the face
Apparently If ur BF says “if anything happens to me,I want u to meet someone new….”
“anything” doesn’t include getting stuck in
traffic.
[Burgler walking around our house] Have…have I been here already tonight?
And is the financial stability in the room with us right now?
Apparently “this house is a prison” wasn’t the right thing to say when my husband made me get out of bed this morning.