You Might Also Like
Me: I won’t make it. Go on without me.
Her: It’s a toe cramp
M: But I’m covered in some kind of clear blood
H: That’s sweat
M: Tell my story
I’m not flirting with you. I’m just nice. Get over yourself.
Except you. You get under me.
Officer: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because I’m riding a Big Wheel on the freeway?
Officer: A STOLEN BIG WHEEL
My coffee maker broke so I’m using my backup coffee maker and searching Amazon for a backup coffee maker for my backup coffee maker because what if my backup coffee maker breaks?
[first day as news anchor]
Me [tryin not to laugh readin report about a man gettin kicked by a horse]: hes said to be in a stable condition
I got you a bath bomb to relax. It’s a toaster
Star Wars (1977): A wounded warrior overcomes severe burn injuries to build a massive empire only to see his estranged son destroy it.
I had an irrational fear of bees until I saw My Girl and it became rational.
Flight attendant: Is there a doctor onboard?
Mom: *nudging me* that should’ve been you
Me: Not now Mom
Mom: Not asking for an artist to help, are they?
Everyone on the plane: Wait, you’re an artist?
Everyone on the plane, including dying guy: Can you draw me?
In light of all the stressful things around us right now, let’s take a moment to appreciate the cheapest luxury in the world. You don’t HAVE to get all dressed up to share a platter containing 12 pieces of toast with someone special…but don’t you think you should?
I ate a shepherd’s pie for lunch. He was pretty upset about it.
My elbow watching me do a full skin care routine on my face.
When I said you had a “serial killer face” I had meant it as a compliment, Like, you look like you are very ambitious is what I meant.
If you eat french fries and then drink a milkshake, every time you burp it will taste like a donut. Please continue following me on the twitter dot com for more life inspiration.
Rage-folding a planking baby who is refusing to get into their car seat is the original CrossFit
This is a wasp nest that has grown around the flood lights on a garage and yes you will see it in your nightmares tonight
“I’ll NEVER forget that one time you wrote a word in all caps”
-my phone
don’t let me drive if ur gonna scream every time we almost die 🙄
That awkward moment when you walk in on your sons having a yo momma insult contest.
me: *slides $10 to barista* you know what to do
barista: [when my drink is ready] Brad Pitt!
me: oh no i’m not him lol. people confuse us all the time though.
found a guy hanging out in an alley in palm springs
[gf takes pregnancy test, starts crying]
“It’s negative”
Lemme see it
[reads] ‘Not prego. Just fat. And ugly’
Wow that’s really negative
Negative pregnancy tests, because everyone loves good news on a stick
*Speed Dating*
Him: Do you have any hobbies?
Me: *tying my hair in a big knot under my chin so I look like I have a beard*
“TAAA-DAAA!”
Today is the one day I don’t get weird looks from people for carrying around my pillow case full of chocolates.
Super Mario is so unrealistic. No brother would ever help find his missing sister in law.
*paw prints all your dogs to figure out which one ate my sandwich when I went to the bathroom*