[Biologists naming Eels]
b1: ocean sneks
b2: bitey noodles?
b3: what do the dolphins call them again?
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melted five butterfingers together and made a butterfist
Didn’t have internet on my phone for the past few hours. Finally graduated, got married, lost some weight, read 15 books and showered.
to the people who follow me but don’t like anything I post. I see you, I hear you, I am you 🫶
*staring directly into the sun* is this meditation am I meditating
At some point in your life people stopped getting excited when you finished all the food on your plate.
me: this haunted house is so scary
wife:
me: look at all the spooky witches
wife: we are in a house of mirrors
me: oh no they seem mad
therapist: What do we say when we want to smile and be happy?
me: Cheese.
therapist: No, that’s for a photo.
me: That’s for everything.
When brands use cool words like “bae” on social media, I drive straight to their nearest location with all my money, ready to buy products.
To avoid taking down my Christmas lights, I’m making my house into an Italian restaurant.
Hurricane. It’s fine.
Broken foot. Still fine.
Anemic, arthritic, slow walking dog who refuses to go in the backyard so must be walked through nature’s hissy fit. Totally fine.
Coffee maker not working. EXTREMELY NOT FINE.
Eww. RTing her is like giving your TL an STD
I wanna get HAMMERED tonight.
Seriously?
Yeah, drunk as hell, bro.
Riiight. Of course, of course. *quietly slides hammer back into sleeve*
“In my years of practice I’ve done the same man’s divorce 3 times, twice from the same wife.”
New client, “So you’re saying there’s hope?”
me: you find me interesting? *acting coy & twirling my hair*
FBI agent: No, you are a ‘person of interest’ I need to ask you some questions
Fire inspector, “Do you have any enemies?”
Me, “lol do you have a pen?”
I have been calling a guy on our street John since he and his wife moved here about five years ago.
His name is Dave.
Nice try, resealable potato chip bags.
“Please. My wife. She’s very sick.”
Hand embroidery on cotton. Custom order lol.
of course babies cry on planes, as far as they know they’re about to be eaten
Imagine the towering achievements in aquatecture if sawfish & hammerhead sharks ever get their shit together
[ interview ]
cable company: where do you see yourself in five years
me: you mean between 3 and 8 years from now?
cable company: when can you start
me: between monday and july
[Texts to 14]
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[Reply]
OMG DAD WAT?
[Text]
Hi
The 9 levels of midwestern anger
9. “jesus, mary and, joseph”
8. “Woah woah woah”
7. “Hold your horses”
6. “Jeez Louise”
5. “For Heaven’s sake””
4. “If I had a nickel for every time”
3. “Well, now wait a minute”
2. “For Pete’s sake”
1. “Listen here pal”
[reading my journal] me: damn what a psycho
ME: i miss my friends, today i will text them
MY BRAIN: it might be weird because you haven’t texted in so long
ME: you are right, i will wait a little longer to text them
I can’t grow a hair on my head but overnight I can grow a four inch long single eyebrow hair
COWORKER: turn that frown upside-down!
ME: *rotates head 180 degrees along vertical axis as eyes go black and lights flicker*
CW: uuhh…
Do you ever look at someone and think “god, you’re so amazing” I mean even when they’re sleeping and you’re hidden in their closet…
I can sing all the words to the intro song of DuckTales, what’s your flex?
A guy that was falsely imprisoned for 10 years got free tickets to the Super Bowl. That guy is SO lucky.