PORCUPINE LAWYER: I object, your Honor! He’s badgering the witness!
BADGER LAWYER: Your Honor, he’s being a prick!
SKUNK JUDGE: [slamming gavel] Odor! Odor in the court!
You Might Also Like
Doctor: “You are gonna hear the pitter-patter of tiny feet.”
Kim: “I’m pregnant?!”
Doc: “No-”
*a tiny monkey walks in*
“This is my nurse.”
Neighbor: OMG your yard looks amazing
Me: thanks, I pee in it every Saturday night
Did you ever wonder what happened to He-Man to make him get bangs?
My favorite self defense technique is to not let someone draw me into a fight.
My insurance agent just told me that I’m “high risk” to insure on account of me getting stuck in dryers on a regular basis
Magic words that make my children disappear:
3) Bath time
2) Who did this?!
1) When I was your age…
4-year-old: *sees a kid in the store* She goes to my daycare! She’s my best friend in the world!
Me: What’s her name?
4: I don’t remember.
Mom: What are you hiding in there?
-nuthin
[Vin Diesel noises from closet]
M: Is Vin Diesel in there?
-…yes
Vin Diesel: [from closet] No.
You get home from work early. You walk into the kitchen and your dog is peeling a potato. Startled, she yells “IT’S JUST A POTATO!”
#ambien
Spot cleaning is my favorite because I clean like two spots in my house and then I’m done.
I was reading to my kids today and in the story, there was a pregnant woman.
My 3 year-old asked, “What happened to her belly?”
I replied, “There’s a baby in there.”
3 was horrified; “She ate a baby?!”
Sensing a good opportunity, I said “Yes.”
Sleep well tonight, kid.
Me: Hi! One Big Mac no tomatoes please
Her: Mam this is a library
Me: Oh. Sorry
Now whispering: One Big Mac no tomatoes please
Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: I think we’ll all still be using mirrors, five years isn’t that far off
what could possibly go wrong?
IDK if you really want to impress me with your car…… get a food truck
Waiters who dont write stuff down—what do you win?
[Interview]
Him: Your resume just says you can have Friday afternoons off.
Me: Sounds great. I’ll take it.
“When life gives you people, mass murder them.” — An Angry Lemon.
Wife: Don’t you hate when you eat something that’s not very satisfying but it’s too late to eat something else?
Me: Too late?
High definition is like regular definition but it’s slightly paranoid and working on its second bag of Doritos.
They’re the worst 😩
I don’t want flying cars, I want the ability to start again from my last save point
[first date]
Bruce Wayne: “please tell me you’re a dog person, i’m so done with cat women”
My brain considers names irrelevant information.
Every time I meet someone new and they introduce themselves, my brain just goes “nope, that name goes in the bin”
The “self-lubricated catheter” and the “discreet pocket catheter” have me rethinking what role catheters ought to be playing in my life.
people act so amazed at shroedingers cat being alive and dead at the same time as if they’ve never met someone who works customer service
Me: “I’ll drink to that!”
Them: “Nobody said anything.”
Me: “I’ll drink to that!”
My mama didn’t raise no fool.
Instead I was raised by a pack of idiot wolves.
Saw a tempting new kind of ice cream in the case at the grocery store and, for some reason, audibly said “Hi” to it. A lady behind me said “Excuse me?” and I motioned to the glass door in front of me and realized I looked like a parakeet enamored by the strange bird in the mirror
I want to become a librarian so bad. I love books but I love telling people to shut up even more.