The note on this boxed wine says ‘Fresh up to 6 weeks after opening’
6 weeks. lol.
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I believe in you. But I also believe in aliens, big foot, and werewolves so don’t get too excited.
Donald Duck is far too angry for somebody who never has to suffer pants.
Him: Flash me a smile. You’re prettier when you smile.
I seductively part my lips to reveal one perfect orange slice.
I just went to the all-you-can-eat buffet at Ceasars Palace and ate so many different meats, it’s like Noah’s Ark rught now in my stomach.
Friend: your kid is bouncing off the walls and running everywhere!
Me: yeah… she’s super tired
Friend: tired?
Me: it’s complicated
I don’t understand the expression “on the lamb.” If you’re running away, wouldn’t you choose a faster mount?
I burnt my tongue and now everything tastes like a 9v battery.
[at the cheesecake factory]
me: I will have the cheesecake
waiter: okay
They suggested I elevate my feet and so, I was wondering if your shoulders were available.
Social distancing has taken all the fun out of avoiding people.
Another morning waking up not knowing where tf you are or how you got there.
My 7yo: Mom, were you alive in the one-thousands?
Me: What?
7yo: The ONE-THOUSANDS
Me: *dawning realization* Yes…..yes I was born in the one-thousands. In the 1980’s.
7yo: WHOA 🤯
“And if all your friends were jumping off a bridge, would you make up a story about jumping off a bridge too?”– Teen Brian Williams’ mother
I love you Mario but you need to stop taking shrooms, breaking into haunted houses, and killing turtles! You have a dinosaur to take care of
british cooking shows: tell us about this wee tart youve made, the crust is just lovely
american cooking shows: we’ve replaced your knives with philips head screwdrivers & released raccoons in the kitchen. the clock is set for 30 seconds, please bake us peace in the middle east
This guys gifted me lighter, I guess he is my cigarette santa.
Fat chances are my favorite chances
Hell hath no fury like a 5 yo who doesn’t want his brother to stare at him in the car.
The reviews for Cats are in (17% on rotten tomatoes), and they are spectacular.
A charcuterie board is about what’s on top of the board? I thought y’all were picking side items to make eating wood more palletable.
“I came downstairs for a zip of juice and noticed the tv was gone so I called you guys”
[cop stops writing] did you say zip of juice?
Cats sleep 18 hours a day and only get up to murder.
I respect that.
Southern women don’t outright fight. We passive aggressively drive one another into the ground with compliments and trying to make the better fried chicken.
I’d be so pissed if my coworker left for American Idol and I had to cover for them plus act happy.
To everyone with a motorcycle: your motorcycle is very loud & we are all very proud of you.
[job interview]
Interviewer: are you familiar with microsoft word
Me: yes i’ve heard that word many times
Toddler mom: please take a second bite of chicken
Tween mom: please do not eat an entire second chicken
INTERVIEWER: strengths?
ME: I’m good at presenting both sides of an argument
INTERVIEWER: great
ME: which could also be a weakness…
You tell me to get off my high horse? Why dont you tell the damn horse to stop getting high all the time.. His drug problem isn’t my problem
360-degree action cams finally finding a valid use case