What idiot called it the bicycle repair shop and not
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Heard another parent tell their kid that when the ice cream truck plays its jingle
it means they’ve sold out of ice cream. Using that now.
one time on mushrooms i decided i should be living off nuts & seeds like a little squirrel, so I went to Whole Foods and blew my whole paycheck on nuts & seeds. then all week I had no money and DID have to live off nuts & seeds, and let me tell you I WAS SO WRONG. it sucked
Teen horror movies taught me one thing. Vampires really want to hang around with us.
I was in a band called Click Bait. You won’t believe the kind of music we recorded. Track number 5 will blow your mind.
I feel like HGTV is creating some false expectations for the attractiveness of the contractor you hire for home renovations.
All I want for Christmas is an extra trash pickup day.
[peels off pepperoni]
she loves me[peels off pepperoni]
she loves me not
Don’t you hate when you do something out of the kindness of your heart & someone gets upset because you shoved a pack of gum in their mouth?
Me, on phone: Hi, I’d like to cancel my account.
Cust Serv Rep: Oh I’m sorry, you’re not an authorized user.
Me: Oh ok, let me go grab my husband
Also me: Hi, this is Nicholas
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Technically I pulled myself over, you only asked
C: I know, right? They make us say it like that
[sitting on the deck with my son]
Me: look son, everything the light touches-
Son: yes dad?
Me: -you have to mow.
Don’t mind me while I aim the remote at your face and make fast-forward button gestures.
Mom: Where are you?
Me: Mumbai
Mom: Don’t you hang up on me!
My doctor said I need to eat more greens, so I got myself a pint of mint ice cream.
OH AND JUST FYI…. THE BAGS UNDER MY EYES ARE LOUIS VUITTON
The way I’m terrified to one day raise a teenager you’d think they have rabies
<reads 15 positive reviews of a product> I’m totally getting this.
<then reads 1 negative review> Forget it, it’s obvious crap.
So out of it today. Was squeezing honey in my tea and thought, “Can’t believe this stuff comes from bears.”
how many bears make up a bear minimum
what scared me at age 8:
-quicksand
-snakes
-boat scene from willy wonkawhat scares me now:
-dying alone
-boat scene from willy wonka
Twitter is like being able to read every toilet wall in the world.
*Opens Facebook, closes Facebook
*Opens Insta, closes Insta
*Opens twitter, doesn’t sleep for 3 days
If I get bit by a vampire at this age, I’m going to be furious.
Parents: Never talk to strangers!
Also parents: Why don’t you have any friends?
Cop: So you admit it, you murdered all three real estate agents. Where are the bodies?
Me: *indicating on map* Location, location, location
My family crest is a hand protectively shielding a slice of pie and a Latin motto that translates as “I’m still working on it.”
Me : Well, despite the difficulties, we’ve made the best of a bad situation
Life: Yeah, I’m going to need those lemons back
My wife left me for my best friend.
Well, he was just a stranger at that time. He is my best friend now.
My in-laws visited today.
FIL: when I was a kid I stole a candy bar from a store.
My 8yo: then why are you here shouldn’t you be in jail?
I love my son.
Boss: Stop copy and pasting responses from previous emails
Me: sounds good
Sent from my iPhone
Sent from my iPhone