cats when you pet them too long:
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I’m bored. I’m going to text my ex boyfriends and say “I have to talk to you, it’s important” and then not answer the phone for 6 days.
But I’m the good kind of abomination, right???
[in HR]
We’re letting you go because you won’t stop referring to going to the bathroom as “live streaming”
I saw a product for cars today called “Rapid Odor Removal,” and everyone who buys it should be put on an FBI watchlist.
The problem with Netflix recommendations is they assume I “liked” a show just because I watched 13 hours of it
-first day at NASA-
colleagues: 5, 4, 3, 2, 1
me: do you guys do this in every elevator
[1st date]
Her: I have a confession. [Sigh] Sometimes, I see dead people.
Me: [An idiot zombie, taking off my disguise] What a RELIEF.
Every once in a while someone comes along, and if you are really still they’ll eventually go away.
MAR 14: Pi Day
MAR 15: Ides of March
MAR 17: St. Patrick’s DayMAR 16: middle child, left out as usual
I wish I could literally LMAO..That sounds like a lot more fun than 90 minutes at the gym.
Snail cop: So tell me about the sloth that attacked you.
Snail: It all happened so fast.
Everybody talks about sweet dreams but I’m over here hoping yours are savory.
When someone says “Idaho”, I still respond by saying “Udaho!” and I will never stop.
Technically… It’s only illegal when you get arrested.
My God: dead.
My world: disenchanted.
My invitation on LinkedIn: declined.
I’m so sick of tv and movies where the point is there are no likable characters. I don’t need to spend an hour with people I hate, I already have my life.
I’m starting to suspect the Christmas tradition of the kids cleaning the house for Santa while the parents nap is just something my parents made up.
[date doesn’t cry at the beginning of Up]
“I think we should see other people.”
Me: What’d you do this weekend?
Her: I got a henna tattoo.
Me: (picturing a chicken with body art) Like for her birthday or something?
Wife-CAN YOU CLEAN UP?
Me-*Quietly mutters- I don’t work for you!
3-*runs out of room yelling-
DADDY SAYS HE DOESN’T WORK FOR YOU!
Trying to explain to H that when the doctor said he can have one red wine a day, he didn’t mean bottle.
Me: I have over 22k followers on Twitter.
Kid sitting next to me: I have imaginary friends too.
Perhaps Nicki Minaj just lost a series of bets.
Let’s band together to stop Muppet cruelty. How many Elmos need to die before people will take notice?
AVATAR
AVA2R
3VATAR
AV4TAR
AVATAR (the V means 5)
[dinner at brother’s house]
“So where are the kids?”
Brother: I grounded them.
*spits out meatloaf*
Sometimes life makes sense, and other times it’s a ball of yarn rolling down the stairs and out the back door.
Hey girl, on a scale of ‘Neo’s mind in the beginning of The Matrix’ and ‘Neo’s mind at the end’, how free are you tonight?
“OMG, it’s so big!”
(Your ego)
I may or may not have a joke about Schrodinger’s cat.