Woman: it’s legal to breastfeed my son in public
Cop: not while he’s driving
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I used to hate the “Kids on Board” stickers for cars. I now understand they are warning us they will be driving erratically because…you know…KIDS ON BOARD!
Every video my wife has taken with her phone has me in it saying, “Are you taking a video?”
If I had a time machine I would go back to certain conversations with my wife to see if she really said the things she’s told me I forgot…
if anyone starts quoting the bible to you, a funny thing to yell is “NO SPOILERS I HAVEN’T READ IT YET”
The bank refused to approve my loan without collateral so I reached into my purse and pulled out three avocados.
police chief: you are using the police dogs wrong
me watching a dog bark at a criminal in the interrogation room: give him five more minutes
A flock of dads is called a grill.
Me *sneezes*
My cat: EVERY MAN FOR HIMSELF
stop being so defensive i am just trying to hit you with weapons
Who tf be hiding shrimp in their socks?
A really effective car insurance ad would just show pics of Lindsay Lohan and Amanda Bynes and say: Because these girls have licenses.
The person in front of me paid for my coffee and I had to do the right thing, so I ordered a donut also.
[at the mall with my husband]
Me singing softly: She’s just a girl and she’s on fire..
Hubby: *shoots dirty look*
Me, ignoring: Ohhhh, she’s got her head in the clouds and-
Hubby: Shhh!
Me: THIS GIRL IS ON FIRE!! FIIIYAHHHH
Congrats, you’ve been selected for the job
Me: Whats the salary?
10k now and will increase to 25k later
Me: Ok then, I will come later
why do people get so upset about bad haircuts. name one other problem that resolves itself quietly over time while you wait
Someone asked me if I’d found my soulmate and I was like lol I cant even find my debit card.
And in today’s episode of “Why is your toddler crying?”:
It’s “the balloon exploded without asking for permission”
If poetry is dead, then explain this:
Person: How do you go to the bathroom?
Me [from my wheelchair]: I drink a lot of fluid and after a few hours, my body tells me it needs to come out.
2022 be like
DAD: *to my brother* Just be yourself.
ME: And me?
DAD: Just be your brother.
My daughter wanted to know what I was protesting when I used to burn cds and someone just go ahead and take me to the nursing home
Me: Tel the doctor I’m coughing up a lung and need to be seen ASAP.
Medical Clerk: That’s awful, hun. How about a month from Monday.
Director: so, you’ll be playing this regular guy…
Johnny Depp: no thanks.
I just got a paper cut from a 108 yr old book so I’m sitting here waiting to turn into a vampire
Cutting toxic people out of my life. No more “friends” covered in hydrofluoric acid who think it’s “cool” to eat lead
Audi is coming out with a bigger SUV that seats twenty.
It’s the new Audi Torium.
Turkey: *mumbles*
President: Pardon?
Turkey: Thanks, so long sucker
Me: who’s a good dog? who’s a good dog?
Dog: i have a boyfriend
date: probably losing a loved one. what about you, what’s your biggest fear?
me: driving into a wall that someone has painted to look like a tunnel