Whenever I leave a fancy restaurant I tell the people coming in “I recommend the squirrel”.
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I’ve started replacing “yes” with “sure as Kilimanjaro rises like Olympus above the Serengeti.”
I’m not saying I’m a conspiracy theorist, but I swear some of these typos have been planted.
My wife is not satisfied with my assurances that the spider is dead. I must also produce a death certificate, pictures from the funeral and the names and addresses of next of kin.
Having a mustache is a great way to stop people from drawing a mustache on you in permanent marker while you sleep.
Nah what the hell was going on in the back lmaoo
I think my wife is having an affair, for two years she claims to have been going to classes, yet still can’t speak a word of Zumba.
Shout out to my 3-year-old neighbor who went trick-or-treating again last night like, THERE IS NO WAY THIS IS A ONE NIGHT THING
What a lot of people don’t understand about mountain climbing is that don’t do that.
god (creating me): here’s the ability to be funny sometimes
me: omg thank you! so i guess i’ll be pretty happy then
god: LOL wow, you are funny
I painted today
Everyone complimented me on my turtle
It was a bird, I painted a bird
Married foreplay is just five minutes of confusion about whether your spouse is using a suggestive euphemism or asking you to do a chore.
7am: *starts diet*
7pm: *eats the house*
No, I would NEVER put you on mute
Airport beers are great because it means you are traveling and also that you hate your own money
I’d like to thank the people who buy the gift bags. Because of you, I have never had to buy a gift bag. Thank you, from the bottom of my large gift bag filled with smaller gift bags.
Don’t people with bumper stickers realize it takes a t-shirt to change a person’s deeply held beliefs?
ME, TO MY BEER: Let’s get to the bottom of this.
Just burned 2000 calories trying to avoid someone I know at the grocery store.
Biden: I took a Staples red button & wrote “Nukes” on it
Obama: Joe!
Biden: Tweets to him in Russian when pressed
[interviewing babysitter]
me: how much do you charge?
ipad:
Kids be like don’t worry I aimed for the rug so I wouldn’t get your bowl dirty
me: i’m doing well
webmd: you may want to sit down
I’d be a terrible coroner. My reports would say something like: Subject is 44yo male. Cause of death, asphyxiation. Nice jaw. One unruly eyebrow. Strong hands. Excellent manscaping. We probably would have been great friends, possibly lovers. 8/10 stars.
I’m throwing myself a circumcision party tomorrow, so anybody with a scalpel and a steady hand, stop on by. Jews welcome only with gift.
If we spell Jeff as Geoff then why not
– Geosh
– Georemy
– Geonathan
– Geonnifer
– Geacob
– Jreg
[zombie apocalypse]
GUY: It’s not safe here let’s head north.
ME: No, let’s go down to the sewers.
GUY: What’s in the sewers?
ME: [thinking about ninja turtles] Protection.
since people are posting their 2022 accomplishments I’d like to share that in April, I went to put a bowl of soup in the microwave but absentmindedly stuck it in the oven and spent 10 mins freaking out that the microwave had somehow zapped my soup into the void
my recent google searches:
— how to colour your own hair
— how to fix a bad dye job
— Wigs By Tiffani
— hats
— making the most of your time in isolation