Me: siphoning thrills, fantasy and romance from the library’s books
Friend: why can’t you just say “I’m reading”
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dad: I AM VERY DISAPPOINTED IN YOU YOUNG MAN
son: HI VERY DISAPPOINTED IN YOU YOUNG MAN IM GREG
dad: omg [sheds a tear]
When fireworks were invented, it was ‘hisssss’ to ‘wheeeee’ in the making.
Words are fun. A “bat” can be a piece of sports equipment or an animal. A “spirit” can be a ghost or a beverage. A “content” creator can be someone who creates videos or who walks around screaming all of the time.
The beastie boys didn’t prepare me for all of the rights we actually have to fight for.
Apparently “I had a lovely chat with the tomatoes while weeding the garden yesterday” doesn’t count when your therapist asks you about your social interactions since the last session.
At what age do kids learn to close doors after they’ve walked through them? I think it might be 29.
What’s the difference between a Lamborghini and a dead body?
I don’t have a Lamborghini in my garage.
My kid actually changed her sheets today but only because the old ones desperately crawled to the laundry room on their own.
[old couple feeding ducks in the park]
“Nothing could ruin this Edna”
*I scare all the ducks away, punch the old man and steal their bread
My wife pissed me off in my dream. When I woke up and told her about it she said it was probably something I started so I ended up apologizing and bought her flowers.
[meeting girlfriend’s dad]
Me: nice to meet you, Mr. Phillips
Him: Dr, I have a PhD
Me: oh, nice to meet you Dr. Phdillips
I tried to make a smoothie for lunch. Apparently, three frozen pizzas will break a juicer.
[interview]
BOSS: Any special skills?
ME: Skills?
BOSS: Like strengths
ME: Oh right. I’d say my vocabulary
BOSS: Hm…
ME: That means words
JOB INTERVIEWER: So what are your biggest weaknesses?
HE-MAN: Well, I-
*job interviewer’s fake mustache falls off and it’s Skeletor*
If you like airborne fecal matter you’ll love being alive on earth
Just tried out an AI Headshot generator.
Came out pretty well.
You had me at Whipped Cream Vodka.
Irony ~ giving my daughter a set of my old encyclopedias and she Googles “What’s an encyclopedia?”
I don’t always say ‘oops’, but when I do, it’s usually ten minutes after I have a brilliant idea.
Back in 2012 my wife & I were the victims of a horrific & terrifying home invasion that left us mentally scarred & unable to sleep. But our daughter’s 5 now & we’ve actually grown quite fond of her.
I’m a confident person until I try to open a plastic produce bag. Then I look like a toddler trying to put a shirt on.
So it’s okay for the cat to run away and hide under the bed when visitors turn up.
But when I do it, I’m “antisocial”.
I call bullshit.
If people love cheese so much, why are they mad when someone smells like cheese.
Spam popsicles.
*follow for more recipes
Shout out to my drug dealer Jamal, he’s taught me more about the metric system than any of my teachers ever did.
I thought that raisin on the floor was a bug and then I thought that’s gross, someone brought raisins in my house.
When I travel I just throw my clothes in a suitcase because I know as an Arab they will search me at the airport and fold my clothes neatly.
Him, a vampire: This isn’t going to work.
Her: Is it because my name is Buffy?
Him: Yes.
Her: Hey, don’t hate the slayer, hate the name.
[Office Supply Store]
Me: *getting toner*
Clerk: Sir, please stop those jumping jacks.