me at a restaurant
waiter: here’s ur cup 🙂
me: oh thank you
waiter: *puts down cup*
me: thank you
waiter: *fills cup up with water*
me: thank you
waiter: i’ll be back soon with your food
me: thank you
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So many cheeses would work as baby names:
Brie
Asiago
Monterrey Jack
Goat
It’s too bad my sister wasn’t kinder to me in middle school.
**orders nephew a bullhorn for Christmas**
There’s trash talk, then there’s this.
THEM: I have a story about that person. Someday when I’m drunk enough, I’ll tell you.
ME: [pulls bottle of wine from purse] Let’s do this.
I’m listening, but this 5-year-olds ‘polka-dotted dinosaur astronaut’ story better have a point
April is alcohol awareness month…..I think we’re all aware.
Cheers!
[labels account “18+”]
[tweets exclusively about voting & buying cigarettes legally]
do horses think humans are hats
[first day as a ghost]
BOSS: ur job is to scare people
ME: ok
[later]
ME: *whispering to millennials* you’ll never pay off ur student loans
Superpower: giving evildoers the hiccups, then on day 23, you throw them off a building but by that point they’re just sobbing “thank you”
“How do you compete in fencing if you don’t have a sword?”
“I just dodge the other guy’s attacks.”
“You’re missing the point.”
“That’s the idea!”
Husband: Where are Girl Scout cookies?
Me: We were robbed.
Husband: They only took the cookies?
Me: Well, that and the vase your mom gave us for the holidays. Weird, right?
I like to test the waters by pushing people in.
Just spent 45 minutes on the treadmill – tomorrow I think I’ll actually turn it on!
When you show someone a photo on your phone and they start scrolling through your photos, it’s legal to slap their nosy face.
I don’t believe in astrology but I’m pretty sure the planet controlling your life is Earth.
[before sex]
Me: *taking off clothes* they call me the matador
Her: why’s that?
Me: *crawling in bed with socks on* the red flags
I find it very upsetting that dragon fruit has such a cool name, looks so exotic, and then tastes like a diabolical farmer crossed a kiwi with a potato.
*reading news story about how great some guy is* wow this guy sounds great *reading further* oh no, he’s a bomber and he’s dead
Gonna put watermelon on my pizza just to start a Twitter uproar
ok wow… unfollowing now. was a big fan of his food but I was not aware he was just an untalented guy being controlled by a rat
At what age do people transition to walking with their hands clasped behind their backs?
Do we have a gender neutral pronoun yet?
I got my husband to watch Game of Thrones with me by telling him “Just wait. There’s a good car chase comin’ up”
Me: *humming the Jaws theme song*
My gynecologist: can you not?
I’m not fascinated by you unless you’re a potato
“no please don’t”
[cop takes my flask and sniffs] is this milk?
Celebrity dumping an ice bucket on himself to raise money? Cute. Humanity dumping an ice cap on itself to raise sea levels? HILARIOUS.
My husband witnessed a miracle today. The Amazon truck drove by our house
…without stopping.
Can’t trust CNN? Next thing ya know Nigerian royalty sending me emails will be fake.