I used to make picture meals for my daughter until she got bored and asked me to stop.
You Might Also Like
“Everybody Dance Now” – C & C Music Factory
“20 sided Dice now” – D & D Music Factory#LunchPun #RateMyPun
Are you Chinese? Well, how about you?”
– Chinese Checkers
The lid on our bottle of glitter is not childproof. I know this now.
The Others (2001)
Seven Worst Crimes:
7. Theft
6. Over cooking a steak
5. Kidnapping
4. Assault
3. Buying cheap tequila
2. Murder
1. Inspirational tweeting
Miley Cyrus has her tongue out more than Jabba the Hutt.
[watching Joker]
Joker: ha-
me: [to my date] he’s gonna say ha now
Joker: -ha
Date: ᴴᵒˡʸ ˢʰᶦᵗ
Mom, you really should have taken the time to fix your hair this morning.
-my son, asking to be taken out of the will
Celebrating christmas in another country, santa leaves a chicken cutlet in my boot. “Is that good?” No one will make eye contact with me.
[Murderer chasing me]
Murderer: YOU’VE DROPPED YOUR WALLET
Me: oh, I thought you wanted to kill me
Murderer: *ruffles my hair* I’m a murderer, not a thief! *starts stabbing me*
On the second day of Christmas break my children gave to me 37 loads of laundry
dollar store pregnancy test instructions say to pee on the stick then wait 9 months
If all the Domino’s employees in the world held hands, you’d have to make your own pizza.
Teen just came out of the dressing room wearing the ugliest top I’ve ever seen so I said ew no to which she answered mom this is literally my shirt that I’ve been wearing all day.
Me <in a meeting, whispers>: I don’t really like Gary.
Gary: I’m Gary.
Me: I know.
Had a dream Andrew Garfield & I were being chased & he started rubbing sand on my arm & I was like, “why?” And he was all, “it’ll help mate” but he was only rubbing one arm & then I woke up to my cat aggressively licking that arm cause he was hungry
[6 month dentist visit]
Dentist: How often do you floss?
Me: Every 6 months
I keep all my valuables near the front door so if burglars breaks in during the night they will not wake me up.
BUT YOU SAID IF I WANTED TO BE YOUR LOVER, I HAD TO GET WITH YOUR FRIENDS!
How’s my day going?
If I was Daffy Duck I would of lost my beak already.
[blood bank]
Doc inserts needle
[turns around]
YOU AGAIN!
[vampire sucking on tube like straw]
GO ON SCOOT
[chases him from room with broom]
Usually takes me two or three tries to correctly aim the remote at the TV, if anyone was thinking of challenging me to a duel.
[filling out the date on important documents]
Brain: when I say June you write June!
Me: yeah!
Brain: JUNE!
Me: J̶A̶N̶ JUNE!
Thank God the conventions are over because now we can get back to the real issues: FOOTBALL.
Apparently showing the pharmacist a picture of my wife was not a good enough reason to get Valium without a prescription.
(friends getting chinese noodles without you)
that’s pretty lo, mein
[Wonder Woman shows up]
Superman: Is she with you?
Batman: I thought she was with you?
Wonder Woman: Bruce you literally emailed me today
How to lose 12 lbs in 7 agonizing seconds:
Step 1: Make sure the wood chipper is all gassed up.
(Little Red Riding Hood but instead it’s me dressed as the grandma)
Little Red: Grandma what bad tweets you have.
Me: Okay what the
Billy Joel seems remarkably unfazed by the old man sitting next to him making love to his tonic and gin.