My sign? I’m a Zebra, no grey areas for me.
Narrator: Ursula was indeed a Libra. She often confused astrology with zoology.
You Might Also Like
imagine earning a science degree then having to be a meteorologist who announces the prophecy of a groundhog
When you say “You’re gonna hate me for this” you’re making an awfully large assumption that I don’t hate you already
*watches The Matrix and just gets increasingly annoyed at how unrealistic it is for Trinity and Neo to wear sunglasses inside*
When I’m bored, I part my hair down the middle and pretend I’m a Hanson brother
Welcome to Hypochondriac Club. First- oh, Kim looks a bit pale. Kim you shouldn’t have come if you’re sick. Now I feel pale do I look pale
One of the most effective forms of birth control is assembling furniture together as a couple.
Sad news. My girlfriend Lorraine has dumped me.
She found out I was seeing another girl called Claire Lee.
Good news is, I can see Claire Lee now Lorraine has gone.
Shiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiit, probably
[inventing napkin dispenser]
bob: it has two settings
ceo: ok
bob: one at a time
ceo: ok
bob: or 37 at a time
ceo: first of all i love it
I’m in a doctors waiting room. What’s a polite way to say “I hate your baby”?
why try to flirt with someone who leaves you on read when you could be enjoying some soup instead
It’s only a family vacation if you think “We’re never doing this again” at least once.
joel is coming over
“eerily quiet joel or joel who alwayes forgets about social events?”
[4 hours of silence]
i…. i dont kno
My 3yo said Cheese is her favorite place. I don’t know if I should be worried that she thinks cheese is a place or sad because it’s not.
Me: Describe your love for me in one word.
Him: My what?
My bf: talking of politics, real world issues, upcoming events.
Me: do you think donkeys like the sound they make?
*holds up bread* this is my body
*holds up wine* this is my blood
*holds up fire* and this is my mixtape
kid: whats the meaning of life?
me: life is like a bag of Doritos, when you get to a point where you think youve had enough, you notice there isnt much left in the bag, so you just power through to the end
kid: where do babies come from?
me: babies are like a bag of Doritos…
You can just make up words and if you say them in a Scottish accent, people will think they’re real:
Looka the wee janglers on that tary bibbit.
just walked out of the grocery store and realized i parked like shit. an absolute garbage approach. i’m so embarrassed. i can’t be seen getting into this car. i’m running away. new life. just the clothes on my back and this cantaloupe
First person to build a clock had no idea how long it took.
hey i know we haven’t talked since high school but we’re celebrating our 10 year friendversary on facebook. what are u up to tonight lol
You know when people wear 2 t-shirts at once and they look trendy and it looks really good on them well when I do it people are like “hey did you know you’re wearing two shirts”
Strawberry is a terrible name. “Ooh, a berry with all the flavor of a straw,” you’d think. But you’d be wrong
why do they call it involuntary manslaughter and not a grave mistake
me at 20: i’ll do anything.
me at 46: this drive thru has too tight of a turn radius.
People whose TL is only quotes from famous people—You do realize you’re not a desk calendar, right?
Every day is a whodunit mystery when you have kids.