Life isn’t about the moments that take our breath away. That’s asthma. You’re thinking of asthma.
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I don’t like it when my phone puts a word in “quotals” like I made it up or I’m stupid or something.
CDC: Stay safe by washing your hands
ENTIRE WORLD: *washes hands obsessively*
CDC: Also brush your teeth
WORLD: *brushes teeth frantically*
CDC: And take out the garbage
WORLD: Wait what?
CDC: Go make your bed
WORLD: Stop it
CDC: That bedroom of yours better be clean
i like my men the same way i like my coffee; steadily getting cooler, as i inevitably forget they’re sitting next to me.
I’m like that guy at the beginning of infomercials that is unable to do simple shit, i just burns everything and i cant figure out blankets.
barbie: how many barbies are you seeing ken??
ken:
barbie: *flips over plastic pizza saver table*
If you like airborne fecal matter you’ll love being alive on earth
Me: I’m in tears
Bored people on the internet: DO YOU KNOW HOW OFFENSIVE THAT IS TO PEOPLE WITH DRY EYE??
SINCERE STUPID QUESTION:
was peter parker funny and quippy like he is when fighting as spider-man BEFORE he got his powers also, or did he get some kind of enhanced spider-sense of humor?
ARE SPIDERS VERY FUNNY NATURALLY?
Once broke up with a girl cuz I didn’t like the way she agreed with me
Instead of throwing away broken phone charger cords, 5 years ago I started saving them for an experiment. I’m 3 cords away from a complete world wrap around.
DOCTOR: when was the last time you exercised?
ME: *thinking about holding the thermometer under my tongue* dude you were there
God making women: make them sexy and sophisticated but also confusing to operate.
Angel: soooo like an espresso machine?
I hate babies when they are crying. I hate people who love babies & think babies are cute. I hate grown up babies who make more babies.
Sunday night: Super Bowl party!
Monday morning: Toilet Bowl party!
I ordered my latte wrong at that new gypsy coffee place and now my shadow is a horse shadow
Sick and tired of my bank account taking a hit whenever I buy stuff.
Never trust a man wearing more than 0 necklaces
[home depot guy going through my list] these are all the things from the game Mouse Trap
*mom puts teen’s clean clothes at bottom of the stairs*
Mom meaning: Take up stairs, put away
Teen meaning: Obstacle course on the stairs!
My work here is done
today at CrossFit we threw raccoons into the ocean
Never be afraid to acknowledge your accomplishments
My 4yo told me to hold her baby as she walked away with her dad. My 4yo left me in a restaurant alone with a fake baby in my arms. I should’ve put the the baby down, but I didn’t. I just held it like a real baby. Why? Idk why. Parenthood is wild.
The only thing worse than your kid bringing home a drawing to hang on the fridge is when another kid gifts your kid a drawing and they want to hang it on the fridge.
After the hipster got his girl pregnant, he wouldn’t shut up about how he was into her before she got big.
Me: You want to see me rip a phone book in half?
Kid: What’s a phone book?
Yes I can speak a foreign language if you count when I talk about the 80s in front of my nephews.
The Whole Foods next to this movie theater is perfect if you want to sneak in your own snacks, but don’t want to save a lot of money.
[First date]
Her: Are you literally WEARING a red flag?
Me: Yes, do you like it? Hey! Come back!
Lord, give me the confidence and attitude of my toddler at dance class. Amen