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Me: I thought you were going to read.
10-year-old: I am.
Me: You’re watching a movie.
10: I got it from the library.
Checkmate.
Holmes: “I say, old bean, is that mud on your boots?” Watson: “No, shit, Sherlock”
what doesn’t kill me should try again tomorrow
Birthdays were invented by big wax corporations to sell more candles with numbers on them.
My greatest wish is for every guy who has ever rejected me to end up with a girl who asks tons of questions during a movie.
me: can i buy you a drink?
her: i’m getting married at 5
me: cool so we have 2 hours
My daily affirmation
in high school our gym teacher asked us who we thought the smartest teacher in the school was. we guessed the AP chem teacher, the precalc teacher, the AP physics teacher, etc. he goes, nope, it’s me because I get paid the same as those guys and I play dodgeball all day.
Parenthood has made me so tired that even in my sex dreams, I’m asleep.
asking my dentist if i can just drop my teeth off and pick them up when they’re ready
“Help yourself!”
– people who don’t want to help you
Cat Burglar (noun)
: a burglar who is adept at entering and leaving the burglarized place without attracting notice
🐈⬛😂🖤
I ruined my diet to finish the last 5 donuts in the office because my coworkers are on a diet too so yeah, I sacrifice for the people I love
Overheard in 2nd grade class today:
“Do your work! Santa’s watching right now.”
“Yeah, my mom told me that ship has sailed for me long ago.”
I’m sorry WHAT sleepwear?
Told my kid I was going to check her room because she told me she cleaned it, and she negotiated a five minute head start in case she “missed something.”
podcaster 40 mins into an ep: okay, so let’s just dive right in
People who copy and paste jokes from facebook are idiots…
A few seconds ago • Comment • Like
A smile lets people know you are willing and able to bite them if necessary.
My girlfriend left me for a hindu guy.
Anyway, he’ll treat her better – they worship cows.
White girl: “You’re [ethnicity] but not [ethnicity-ethnicity]. Like, you’ll [mild steretype] but you don’t [severely racist stereotype]
Saw a big girl wearing really short, shredded denim shorts. I’m going to assume those were jeans before she hulked out.
Instead of saying you lost your eyesight due to an explosion while you were making meth, just tell people that you were blinded by science.
Oh, calm down… One Cobra bite and you’re falling to pieces!
Imagine if dogs giggled when you tickled them.
ME: [introducing my brother’s daughter whose name I’ve forgotten]
This is niece.
[trying to select cells in a table]
ME: alright, I just need A1 to A20
EXCEL: got it *scrolling*
ME: easy does it
EXCEL: …A15, we’re almost there!
ME: yep, let’s bring it in nice and slow
EXCEL: *breathing heavily*
ME: do not
EXCEL: oops
ME:
EXCEL: A7510
ME: f-in A7510
Woke up this morning expecting a raging headache. My husband said, “Wanna know why your head doesn’t hurt so bad? Your last several gin and tonics I ordered for you were just water.”
All I do is eat, drink, sleep and tweet.
I’m basically just a more annoying version of a Tamagotchi.
I’m told as a lady in my 30s I shouldn’t wear certain things anymore – like halter tops, pigtails, and the scalps of my vanquished enemies.