upon my death:
1. tell my kids I loved them
2. give my daughter my jewelry
3. leave french fries in my coffin, just in case
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Head and Shoulders should make a body wash called ‘Knees and Toes’
Sorry I didn’t make mashed potatoes. The potato masher was stopping me from opening the drawer.
My daughter told me she wants to be a secret agent. Based on that alone, I don’t think she’d be a good secret agent.
I have alopecia. I don’t wear a wig at work because it’s a very physical job. I was in the washroom and a customer with children were washing their hands. One child pointed at me and EXCLAIMED
“Mommy is that a boy or a girl?”
So I barked.
🤷🏼♀️
I act like Pacman at parties.
I walk around the room eating everything in site and avoiding everyone.
I just ate some leftover mashed potatoes out of my hair, and I don’t even remember having mashed potatoes
Any walk can be a walk-of-shame when you’re an adult wearing Crocs™
Uber Eats: Imagine this $15 burger.
Me: Damn, that looks delicious.
Uber Eats: now, imagine it being $35…
How many minutes after someone’s fired is it cool to take their stapler?
I’ll call bowling a sport when there’s a goalie.
Food just tastes better upside-down
1. upside-down cake
2. hamburgers
3. not cereal tho
4. oh no cereal is everywhere
5. why did I do this
someone having a baby in the ‘90s: I’m pregnant, you’ll see it in 9 months.
someone having a baby since social media: rylington harverson punce, a future mountain mover, and barrier breaker, was born last night & the ground shook around us. 200k in his savings account already ❤️.
Professor: Today’s exam is written. Next week we will do oral
Class in unison: I HAVE A BOYFRIEND
Me: so I’ve been a little unclear regarding everything you’ve asked me to do since Monday
Boss: Jesus
Me: let me finish. In February. 2011.
This is one of the many reasons that I am chubby
HOST: Welcome to “Die or Get Killed” the game show that no one survives
ME: Glad to be here, Mort
*gets crushed by a bus*
*checks to see if phone is intact*
Just watched the movie 2012 and honestly I don’t remember any of that happening.
Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day but teach a man to phish and he will steal your social security # so click here to verify your account.
Fitness app: how much do you want to lose each week? 0.5 lbs? 1 lb? 2 lbs?
Me: Um, obviously 2
FA: this is how much you can eat.
Me: ok try 1
FA: sure, here is your calorie ration.
Me:
FA:
Me: ok let’s say I wanted to gain 3 lbs.
FA: here you go!
Me: That’s it?
There’s a disturbance in the coffee.
ME: [grinding pepper onto my food]
IRON MAN: WHAT HAVE YOU DONE
[kangaroo court]
Lawyer: I’m afraid my client has jumped bail.
Judge: Who is surprised by this?
[first day as a teacher]
me: today we’re learning the alphabet
kid: that’s easy
me: no it’s A-Z idiot
ALIEN: [1st day on Earth wearing my hollowed carcass as a disguise & trying to blend in] COFFEE AMIRITE
After weeks of late night cheese benders…Brenda couldn’t help but wonder…where did it all go wrong
Not surprised to find out I’ve lost my job at the graffiti removal company. The writing’s been on the wall for a while now.
If I ever tell you to “Be the ball,” I’m not coaching you…I’m preparing you for my nine iron.
My daughter asked me if I’d be very upset if she didn’t live with me when she’s a grownup so I told her I’d try my best once I stopped laughing