me: this cat is kissing me on the lips because it LOVES me
cat: mother’s lips taste perpetually of bacon
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Welcome to Flavourtown I’m Gouy Fieouri
Son, your mother and I looked at your browser history. Frankly, it’s not pretty. Do you for real need a walkthrough for Call Of Duty
Wife:
I’m
*pause*
leaving
*pause*
you.Me: Is it because I’m always on this trampoline?
Someone needs to break it to my cat that she is not a security guard and my bathroom is not a VIP section.
Me: I have 7 things to tell you about your house. Number 4 may shock you.
Customer: You are the worst electrician ever.
Can’t wait for the machines to rise up and are beaten by a firmware update
God inventing dogs like “what if your best friend sometimes pooped in your living room and ate your shoes?”
I’m equally comfortable holding a guitar as I am holding a baby, I just hold them both by the neck
[invention of spaghetti]
Inventor: i made them very long
Wife: they still fit in a pot though right?
Inventor: lol no why
Self-control (n.): Charlize Theron keeping a straight face on when the mirror tells her Kristen Stewart is prettier than she is.
doctor: your parents were in a car accident
me: how are they?
doctor: they’re critical
me: I meant medically
[Orange Juice on tinder]
TINDER: “You have a match!
Orange juice: “Oh great!”
TINDER: “It’s toothpaste.”
Orange juice: “Oh no.”
I haven’t had a good nights sleep since I started wondering what holds up those blocks in Mario.
Skeletons are the least impressive monster because almost every other monster is a monster AND a skeleton.
I just want to be rich enough to stop having to pretend that I’m getting work done
She hasn’t tweeted in a while, so I guess I can stop sucking in my stomach.
In a parallel universe somewhere, all the Pumpkin Spice Lattes are getting really excited for White Girl season at Starbucks.
Cover letter? Here’s my resume twice.
Me *points gun at clerk*: stick ’em up!! Put Algebra 25 and *looks at college syllabus* Psychology 15 in the backpack!
I don’t have an insurance policy on myself because there’s no sense in tempting my wife more than she already is.
*first date
(Me, texting) This is awful. She’s boring, has no sense of humor & rude
Her: You know you speak out loud when you text, right?
A bunch of bras is called a support group.
Thanks for following.
“President Clinton, can you respond to rumors of renewed infidelity?”
The only woman in my life is my darling *squints at notecard* Hitlery
Someone: you’re the coolest person I know!
Me: Omg wowww!!!!
My mind: (they need to meet more people)
You have to sit up to drink coffee in bed. I know that now.
Me: Open your mouth, and close your eyes, and get ready for a big surprise.
5yo: Yum! A chocolate chip!
Me: Haha you just ate poison.
5yo: Quick. Give me the antelope!
Sometimes I think I’m the only Brit trying to use up all this spice we stole
Was gonna climb over some guy’s arm but then I noticed he had a barbed wire tattoo on it.
me: I invited my boss to dinner
her: I thought you hated him
me: I didn’t have any choice
my boss: should I leave?
The worst thing about dentists is they put that paper bib on you but they never bring you lobster.