🙁
turn that frown upside down
):
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*panics during bank robbery*
“Uhhhh hi yeah I’d like to put this gun in my safety deposit box”
You should never text and drive. All it takes is one moment of distraction and suddenly everyone in the group chat thinks you can’t spell.
I love books.
How they smell, how they feel, the sound of the pages being ruffled.
Except when I’m moving to a new place.
Then I hate books.
I wish I was dumb as hell and illiterate every time I move.
I will buy anything that is endorsed by a celebrity from the 70’s/80s. That’s why I have a reverse mortgage even though I live in an apartment.
If someone wants to spend time with you, they’ll let you know. Get rid of those people
Everyone’s gangster until they have to carry a leaking compost bag to the bin outside.
Mom: if all your friends jumped off a bridge would you jump too
Me: no
Mom: how about 1 friend
Me: what
Mom: ok no friends & a ride there
My wife told me to get a real job or pack my bags!
What an idiot! Who threatens someone with a vacation???
DATING TIP: show her your hula hoop skills. keep adding hula hoops. you’re now a slinky. everybody loves a slinky.
me: [sets to bed time reminders on my Fitbit to be responsible]
Later that night
Fitbit: time for bed
me: DON’T TELL ME WHAT TO DO
Me: Did you use the elevator?
Friend: I took the stairs.
Random Dad: DID YOU PUT THEM BACK?
My Rice Krispies were speaking in tongues this morning, so I’m pretty sure the end days are near.
been a while since romaine lettuce has tried to kill us.
I’m about to get my 5yo her own phone just so she’ll stop screwing up my YouTube algorithm
If Mona Lisa was on Instagram
Everything on my bucket list comes with french fries.
95% of pet ownership is just saying “hello” to them in various tones.
RELATIVE: You know about computers, right?
ME (has a degree in computer science): No
[clown cleaning shower]
MRS CLOWN: Don’t forget to remove the hair from the drain.
[clown just keeps pulling long multi-coloured hair out]
My retirement plan is to close myself up in a Murphy bed to hide from a disgruntled landlord
My boss accused me of being overly dramatic, I lamented in a soliloquy as I threw myself across the desk in feigned shock
what do we want???
CHEESECAKE
when do we want it???
PEOPLE VERY RARELY SAY THEY WANT SOMETHING THAT THEY DON’T WANT IMMEDIATELY
tim apple: use iphone 14 satellite calling when you get stranded in the wilderness
me who hasn’t left my house in 2 years: I must have this
Rich people are telling us their lack of bathing habits to try & discourage us from eating them
wow it’s a good thing this mug says “COFFEE” on it, I was about to wear it like a hat
My girlfriend told me I was getting sex today. Oops. I better not jinx it.
*knocks on morning wood*
*undercover cop knocks* Hi fill out this survey to win a free IPad!
1. name
2. address
3. email
4. where are drugs
*mustache falls off*
I hate when I’m in a restaurant bathroom, and I run out of toilet paper. Like my dinner guests are gonna be scared of HALF a mummy costume
(first date)
Me: *hyperventilating*
Him: Don’t be nervous. Take a deep breath.
Me: Can’t. I’m wearing three pairs of Spanx.
buys donuts instead