meanwhile over on facebook
You Might Also Like
girlfriend: are you really dipping THOSE in honey mustard?
me: yeah babe, the sauce isn’t just for the nuggets
girlfriend: it’s definitely not for the ice cubes in your soda
A large, angry man accosted me in the street earlier — demanding my money…
Fortunately, I’ve watched a lot of Scooby Doo — and, so, adopted the manner of a dictatorial French barber. And, whilst the man grudgingly seated himself for an impromptu trim, I made my escape.
WHY would you be happy about this?
Me: you shouldn’t be working here, you’re a human being
Hooters waitress: look, it was my choi-
Me: seriously, where are the owl waiters
i’m a 10 (tion deficit)
Twitter is an abusement park.
Your baby might be adorable, but so is my cat and she cleans her own butt.
Need WebMD
[Me, watching my murderer wipe down everything as I’m dying]: “Oh, you don’t have to do that, don’t worry about it.”
[supermarket]
Woman, to hubs: There’s no such thing as too much cheese!
Me: *peels a cheddar slice from my emergency roll*
M: *writes my cell number on it* I like your style babe, call me
M: *eats the cheese* DAGNABBIT!
M: *peels a cheddar slice from…
Went onto the patio and found out that my daughter is in the process of making fake dog doo with insulating foam sealant. Do I ask or just let nature take its course? #QuarantineCrafts
“so i was reading an article the other day” is code for “i saw this tiktok while i was sitting on the toilet”
“Thanks for saving my life” said no toddler ever
Why aren’t more people talking about this?
Pansexuals get it on in the kitchen
I hope my tombstone reads: Matrixed 9 out of 10 bullets.
Hi, I’m Ben. You might remember me from such dates as “Hey, your friend is cute.” and “I forgot my wallet at home”.
*captain over the PA*:
and if you look out your window to the left, you’ll see Jerry, who is no longer my best friend, and deserves this.
I hate restaurants where they won’t let you bring your own mariachi band.
Thanks to my friends for getting me so drunk,that I had to hold on to the grass to keep from falling off of my front yard.
(Watching him change a flat tire)
Him: Grab the jack. We’re gonna need it
Me: We sure will
(Hands him the bottle)
Him: The CAR jack
How long do I have to sleep before I’m legally a bear?
Leaving a watermelon on someone’s doorstep in the middle of night is a pretty inexpensive way to occupy a portion of their mind forever.
Salad is being recalled.
Do you know what’s never been recalled?Original Oreos.
I just tried to start a camp fire and boy did my parents over estimate my skills to burn the house down
I don’t know why guys love anal. My ass is an exit only. Unless I’m drunk. Or he’s rich. Or cute. Or has all his teeth.
I wonder if the woman sitting in front of me at this game knows I can see every sexy text she sends her man as she sits close beside her other man.
Reading in public is so embarrassing. How thirsty are you for knowledge, bro?
It’s okay, everyone. I know my 3yo’s screams sound like his leg was run over by a lawn mower, but he’s just got some fuzz stuck to his thumb