DR: call me with any questions
[phone rings 20 min later]
DR: hello…?
ME: you like dogs?
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I hate it when my wife wakes me up at the crack of dawn just to tell me my alarm woke her up.
Hubby’s head seems like it’s almost twice the size of mine.
We are never having children.
Twitter is fun because you get to be like, “Ducks are good” and someone in your mentions will go, “Um, I’m sorry but my brother is married to a duck scientist and this is a harmful view” and then someone else pops up going, “Your silence about horses is extremely telling”
PSA: If you’re about to be arrested, climb to the roof of a nearby court. You are now ‘above the law’ & literally can’t get in trouble ever
There was a spider in the shower this morning, and now my neighbours know I scream like a cat about to crest a roller coaster’s first drop.
Dentist: No cavities, but looks like you’ve done some excessive grinding at night-
Me: *blushes* Well, my boyfriend is quite sex-
Dentist: Uh, of your teeth.
Me: I had a bad upbringing & now I’m worried I’ll be a terrible father
Therapist: how many kids do you have?
Me: like 3 I think
Me: After 10 years of parenting, I’ve become very good at carrying on a conversation with myself.
Also me: Yes, I can see that.
My ex got engaged at Christmas but apparently responding to the news with “LOL” is “a representation of everything that is wrong with me.”
*Jumps on bandwagon*
Bandwagon: I have a girlfriend
i wish my midlife crisis made me want to get a gym membership and a revenge body, but instead I’m eating snickers for breakfast in bed.
I love showering with my husband. There’s nothing more intimate during sex than discussing water temperature.
I just stabbed a pin in my arm.
Somewhere out there a bunch of voodoo dolls just said ‘Ouch.’
An excerpt from my self help book, “How to Get Rich Quick”
Chapter 1: Write a self help book about how to get rich quick
The End
[GRAND CANYON]
WIFE: Isn’t this incredible?
ME: It’s ok.
WIFE: Were you expecting a thousand canyons?
ME: I don’t want to talk about it
Sign in the elevator: Please keep 6-foot distance.
Width of elevator: 5 feet.
It would be awesome if the Joker movie ended with Batman yelling “Oh HELL no” off camera and swooping in and just beating the absolute shit out of him.”
How Stella Got Her Goat Back #ReplaceAMovieTitleWithGoat
Me: I don’t remember this mirror being here before
Wife: you’re watching a documentary about warthogs
“I want you inside me,” I whispered to the tray of warm brownies.
I need to get some bricks…
In an alternate universe, the Tooth Fairy shoves extra teeth in your mouth if you don’t leave her money under your pillow.
[first day as coast guard]
Boss: 7 people died on your watch today
Me [looking off into the distance]: yes but the coast is fine
Me: I really need to save money
Also me:
The existence of Kylo Ren implies the existence of Kylo Stimpy.
Water leak.
No water for 2 days.
Then the plumber cut the cable line.
No internet.
No TV.
2 stinky teenagers.Send wine and bail money.
When an elevator stops on a floor and no one gets on or off, I always think ghost.
Everyone is worried about US politics but let’s focus on the bigger issue – France is having a butter shortage and this is crucial
What knobhead puts a shower opposite a mirror?
Totally unrelated, I’m starting a diet tomorrow.