just yelled YOU DONT KNOW ME at uplifting bathroom graffiti that read “you are enough”
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I can think of a few ways to dirty up a bedroom..
*eats a nature valley granola bar on your bed, spills milk on the floor, wipes my face on your pillow*
my dream is to be involved in a heist and say “uh oh, we’ve got company” when the police arrive
I was told that I could have anything as long as I applied myself, but the loan officer at my bank begs to differ.
sad day today because:
1. my fish in the aquarium is missing.
2. my cat won’t eat his dinner.
Natural selection at its finest
If I win the Powerball, I’m going to make golf illegal.
I assume anyone sitting alone in a car in the dark corner of a grocery store parking lot is waiting to meet a hitman who is running late.
Stuck behind a school bus & locked in an intense staring contest w/ a kid at the back. I’m 45 min. off course but I’m not gonna let him win.
it’s amazing when it’s ur birthday 🙂 u really feel the love from family, friends, lovers, former dentists, yoga studios and various smootheries
Just wrote “except for you, spiders >:(” on my Welcome mat so that should be the end of that
my bf is on a plane to miami right now and a bulldog in the row next to him just had diarrhea. everyone freaked out, the dog owner began sobbing, and the dog escaped. now, covered in poo, it is running around the plane. people are lifting up their legs and screaming.
Frozen (2013) A young girl spends years in solitude & must plan her parent’s funeral alone because her sister is secretly one of the X-Men
Wife smelled eggs and thought I was bringing her breakfast in bed. How do I tell her it was just me with gas?!
They need to make a dating App. For couples who have that “3rd wheel” best friend.
It would be like a 3rd party Tinder with 2 References.
20s: I do yoga so I can be better in bed
30s: I do yoga so I can get out of bed
Judge: On the charge of murder, how do you plead?
Me: *holds up Monopoly “get out of jail free” card*
Judge: Case dismissed.
Spice things up at church by french kissing your neighbor during the traditional greeting time.
Your honor, may I approach the bench?
“You may.”
*walks up to bench*
*boops judge’s nose*
if your newborn baby has a full head of hair that means it is a business baby and is ready to enter the world of finance
How do I know it will be a full moon tonight?
Exhibit A and Exhibit B.*points to 2 ferocious beasts who keep calling me “mom”*
Imagine if America cut open the Statue of Liberty and found skeletons inside and it turned out the French had just failed a trojan mission.
Alanis Morissette sings about having 10,000 spoons when all she needs is a knife. And nobody asks why she has 10,000 spoons?
Imagine being reincarnated as grass?
Smothered by snow. That melts and then you get trampled by kids at play, shit on by dogs, scorched by sun, flooded by rain, then once a week have your head chopped off.
[Confession]
“I killed a man”
“Wait what”
“Lol had to get that off my chest, now why did you come in today, my son?”
shout out to fantasy authors who give all their characters weird names except for, like, two who just have normal-ass names
it owns extremely to see The Eternal Zablaxas and Hellcleaver the Wicked turn to the protagonist and say “what do YOU think we should do, Dave?”
No one has more false hope than a Mom that brings three books on her beach vacation.
Stop blaming your parents.
You’re 32.
Blame your spouse.
ME: My name is Nigel and I’m an alcoholic.
AA GROUP: Hi Nigel.*cut to confessional camera*
ME: I’m here to WIN, not to make friends.
You know what….. my ex should’ve kept me blocked
[IKEA-themed restaurant]
Maitre-d: is your table ready yet?