Ladies, the day after Halloween don’t forget to buy all the discounted blood capsules to keep in your mouth for when men tell you to smile.
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An elementary school teacher’s most important job is to tell one kid per year they’ll never amount to shit in order to spark their rap career
Leaving the group chat so I can focus on my responsibilities as a Shark Tank subbreddit moderator .
The bathroom stall at a place like Costco really has no business being out of toilet paper.
When I get naked in the bathroom, the shower usually gets turned on.
My doctor said I needed to reduce stress. Great, now I have that to worry about.
[1st time at a crime scene]
Cop: What do you think happened?Me: The killer murdered these people by trapping them in these body bags
Cop: um we put them on
Me: Another good theory
I’m not fat. I’m famine proof.
[after explaining speed limit signs]
5: I like how you’re creative with speed limits
*takes coffee from hot barista
*makes eye contact
*smiles
*winks
*sips scalding coffee“Thankth, thexy! Theeya!”
*walks outside
*screams
Me: The wedding cake is a stack of 50 pancakes I have frosted. Each layer represents people you slept with prior to meeti-*mic gets cut off*
Me: I’m into fitness
Trainer: not again
M: fitness whole pizza in my mouth
T: you should go
M: this isn’t going to “workout”
T: LEAVE NOW
All liquor stores are open 24 hours. When you have a brick.
H: I think we should see other people.
Me: Do I have to? I don’t even really want to see you.
Either I stood up too quickly or this quart of vodka was deliciouser than I thought.
LinkedIn is the best dating app because you know whether your potential love knows how to use Microsoft Excel.
Watched a nature documentary with my daughter and as the hungry polar bear approached the abandoned seal pup she said, “Oh, good, the polar bear is going to help her!” and sometimes I really wish I saw the world like a 12 y/o.
Your Hunger Games name is the last injection you got plus the last thing you stepped on. I’m Tetanus Woodscrew
you know what ruined my childhood? children
If I ever lose my girlfriend in the mall I just start checking other girls out and bam there she is yelling at me
If you watch Intervention backwards, it’s about a person partying hard after an awful family reunion.
Maybe she was just being paranoid, but Wendy couldn’t help feeling that she was being monitored.
Me: My computer broke
IT guy: What have you tried so far?
Me: Everything
IT guy:
Me: I shook the mouse a few times and did some swearing
And this song would come on and all the white people would start having a group seizure.
Me explaining the Harlem shake to my grand kids.
So it’s not a good idea to shoot finger guns at a man that’s driving an armored truck. I know that now.
Having sex while really full is like running with a backpack on.
Waiter: Are you finished?
ME: First of all, there’s still like 3 fries left.
[getting escorted out of zoo] “I just wanted to see if the panda knew kung fu like in the movie”
The Maze Runner. #MazeRunner