The inventor of Chapstick died today. Unfortunately his body was lost while being transferred to the morgue.
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[Snow White meets Seven Dwarfs]
SNOW WHITE: Why is your name Bashful?
BASHFUL: [recalling when he bashed in the 8th dwarf’s skull] No reason
I just saw a birdbath gravestone, what a great idea, visitors for life..or death I should say
My daughter put a horse’s head in my bed this morning. It was from an animal cracker but conveyed the message pretty clearly who is boss.
your poor choice of wiper speed is stressing me out
I explained ‘gluten allergy’ to my grandma and she sighed and told me they ate leather belts during WWII to keep from starving
Talk to the hand. The hand is lonely and needs some company. What are you up to? How’s work? You look great. You want some tea?
Hotel clerk: You’re eligible for a room upgrade
Me: Sweet!
Clerk: Exactly
“i can’t go because of coronavirus”
– whiny
– boring
– weak“i’ve sworn an oath of solitude til the blight is purged from these lands”
– heroic, valiant
– they will assume you have a sword
– impossible to check if you really have a sword because of coronavirus
WIFE: You overreact to everything!
ME: [phones police]
I like that movie where the lion roars at the very beginning.
Her: why are u breaking up with me
Me: *changing PowerPoint slides* I’ll take questions at the end Jen
When donuts appear in the breakroom. We cut one in half. We eat half. We return to the breakroom five minutes later and eat the other half. It is the way of our people.
Him: Don’t get your panties in a bunch.
Me: It’s called a bulk pack, Todd. That’s how Costco sells them.
You don’t have to buy high thread count sheets. Just buy cheap sheets and use them for 20 years. Like butter, I tell you.
I just want someone to tell me how strong I am after I open a difficult container
accountant: “youre basically broke”
wife: “he keeps spending money on stupid stuff”
me: “lets ask the dog if he thinks his jeans are stupid”
carnivorous animals (thinking): i’m hungry… i could really go for something smaller than me. an animal which is smaller than me would hit rn…
i would like to meet the marketing/branding team that goes to work every morning, satisfied that this is the logo that represents their business
The price of groceries has gotten me thinking about what acorns taste like.
me: *waking up* who’s there
monster under bed: hi
me: *shaking* omg you’re real
monster under bed: but i won’t hurt you
me: oh
monster under bed: just give me all your halloween candy
me: dad?
monster under bed *taking off mask to reveal my dad*: dad tax
“I’ve invented the toaster”
SADISTIC CEO: What number toasts it perfectly?
“2”
SC: ok make it *cries with laughter* make it go up to 8
Met a friend from Twitter in real life and didn’t get murdered. Take that, Mom.
Wife thinks I was present for every conversation she’s had with anyone, ever, and assumes I know what the hell she’s talking about right now
*Toddler throws sock on floor and bursts into tears*
Me: Why are you crying?!
Toddler: Because someone took my sock
Me: No one took your sock!
Toddler: Then where is it?!
Me: It’s right there on the floor next to my sanity
Friend: Dow dropped 45 points yesterday.
Me: I don’t follow basketball.
attention men: pls stop telling us you want to go down on us for “hours”. thats way too long. we have stuff to do. i’ve got a lasagne cookin
I was wondering why Hoobastank chose that band name so I investigated it some and the reason is you.
Comparing yourself to others
*knocks on neighbor’s door*
May I borrow a cup of sleep?