The only thing left for CNN to do is drop Wolf Blitzer in the Indian Ocean and see how long it takes to find him.
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I threw a parking cone at someone. I am the drunkest person in the United states.
Dear Tech Support,
I twied to puth my tongue in tha USthB port again. Canth you helpf?
reporter: “what inspired your theory of gravity”
isaac newton: “i fell off the toil-”
agent: [leans into mic] “an apple hit him on the head”
Christmas is becoming more and more commercialised every year. Pushing up prices in every sector
This tweet is brought to you by Tesco
Doctor: What’s the problem?
Me: Our baby cries all night
Doctor: That’s quite normal
Baby: ALL NIGHT
Doctor: Holy shit
Do you think when Spider-Man gets stoned with Batman and the Hulk he sometimes thinks the spider on his chest is real and freaks out?
[3 dads circling new neighbor on their bikes]
“im not looking for any trouble”
all three dads in unison: HI NOT LOOKING FOR TROUBLE IM DAD
Goldfish crackers are the best snack for teaching kids it’s ok to eat your pets.
When someone compliments you, etiquette dictates that you respond with “That is accurate.”
Yelling at your kid when they’re your height just hits different.
NASA faked the cow jumping over the moon.
Fellas, here’s a flirting tip: If a girl plays with her hair while taking to you, it means she has lice and you should stay away from her.
My husband is out of surgery and in recovery. What was the first thing my drug induced sweetheart said to me? That he loved me? That I was beautiful? That he missed me?
Nope.
Mashed potatoes. That’s what he said. Mashed potatoes. Get me some mashed potatoes.
*falls dramatically on therapist’s sofa* the barista touched the mouth hole
There are two types of people: those who love terrible puns, and those who are no pun.
When you’re stupid, you trust your child with an alarm clock
Tomorrow’s weather forecast:
60% chance of rain, 15% chance of snow, and 0.0017% chance that none of this is real and you’re just a happy little forest gnome who nibbled on the wrong kind of mushroom.
[at the top of mt everest]
friend: i can’t believe we did it!
me: i know!
friend: what do you think of the view?
me: whoopi goldberg is amazing and the guest panelists they have always bring a fresh perspective but it should’ve stopped after season 15.
Friend: That was the exit. Did you see the sign?
Me: I saw the sign
F: …
Me: And it opened up my eyes
F: Oh no.
Me: I SAWW THE SIIIGNNN
It’s wrong! If gay marriage is legal who will stop me marrying this painting of a horse. This majestic painting. Who will stop me kissing it
So, it turns out “hey, check out this rash” isn’t a great pick-up line.
[first day in the mob]
*leans over to mafioso* Hey, so, uhh, I’ve always wondered: are they all just named “Don” or…
You haven’t lived until you’ve wrestled an alligator*
*dressed a toddler
“You know what pal, lay your own damn eggs” – jerk chicken
“A room in motion will stay in motion until you sober up.”
~Newton’s little known fourth law of motion
HER: Im breaking up with u
ME: Is it because I say “Uh Oh Spaghetti O’s” when things go wrong?
HER: Ya
ME:(under breath) Uh Oh Spaghetti O’s
“lmao why do you guys keep calling it ‘The Last Supper ‘? Seems pretty ominous, right?”
-Jesus
Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in five years?
Me: (who is terrified of becoming a vampire) Hopefully in a mirror
It’s ok. I killed the oregano flake on the counter.
My 2yo thinks 5 am is a great time to discuss the mysteries of life.