5: this one time i slept in till like 7am!
Me: *holding back tears* I remember
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Me: I won’t let anything control me!
My bladder: Lmao
*Slides down your chimney*
*Straightens all your pictures*
Strangely, this bacon candle doesn’t even taste like bacon.
[Courtroom]
Judge: One more word & I’ll hold you in contempt!
Me: Yes! *jumps on his lap & throws arms around him* This is nice.
*sees my husband cry as he holds our newborn son for the 1st time*
wtf did that baby just say to you?
prosecutor: why did you murder that man
me: i thought he was cake
prosecutor: you “thought” he was cake?
me:
prosecutor:
me: i hoped he was cake
*Backstreet Boys voice*
Am I acceptable?
my five year old was struggling getting his seat belt buckled. He tried multiple times unsuccessfully to get the tab into the buckle and yelled “it’s like they broke up!”
Me: Night love.
11: Did you know the snow in the Wizard of Oz was made of pure asbestos?
I am *this* close to adopting a bunch of cats and opening a bed & breakfast called HairBnB.
ME: I’ll have the pasta with mushroom, aka the fungus of the woods.
DATE: You know when you say it like that it’s not very appetizing.
ME: Oh, sorry! I’ll have the shrimp instead, aka the cockroach of the sea.
It’s my son’s 4th birthday so I volunteered to help out on his class trip to Chinatown.
If you don’t hear from me again, they won.
#CatsOnTwitter
I was getting mad in traffic earlier and my 3-year-old said “all you can do is calm down and let the cars go” and now I have a therapist.
I don’t always sleep well, but when I do, it’s 5mins before the alarm goes off
Biggie Smalls: So what’s this thing?
Me: A shrink ray.
Smallie Smalls: Did it work?
Waiter: All our wines are hand selected.
Me: As opposed to what?
What do you call a bunch of chess players bragging about their game in a hotel lobby?
Chess nuts boasting in an open foyer
We keep a potato masher in a drawer because sometimes it’s fun to not be able to open that drawer.
This bloke knocked on my door and asked me if I’ve considered an alternative energy supplier.
I said, ‘No thanks, I’m quite happy with food.’
Inventor of fridge door ice cube dispenser: Let’s consistently surprise them with an extra ice cube that randomly shoots out after they are done filling their glass.
*Awkward missed high fives around boardroom table*
Why do I hear my husband encouraging our youngest to be a goalie? Is my anxiety not quite crippling enough for him?
I changed my name in my daughters phone to God…just texted her and said “I saw that” You should of seen her face. Priceless
Adultry does not sound fun at all
Have you ever looked at someone & thought, you sure could benefit from getting a library card?
what idiot named them “in-flight movies” instead of “Jetflix”
My neighbor is power washing his driveway for the third day in a row so to make him stop I’m sending over a marriage counselor.
Keep microwaving fish in the office and stop wondering why you never get a desk by the windows.
my favorite thing about Sesame Street is that everyone’s more concerned about Oscar being a grouch than the fact a vampire lives there