Send prayers. Laura on Facebook didn’t realize she was out of syrup until AFTER the pancakes were made! It’s causing quite a stir…
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*sneaks into sons room to scare him*
*trips over skateboard*
*steps on something squishy*
*turns light on*
*makes him clean his room*
Putting peanut butter on all my fingers before I go to bed so I can have a snack later.
[FIRST DAY AS A NUDE MODEL]
INSTRUCTOR: Sir, we need you to take off your socks.
ME: (chuckles) Oh, sorry.
INSTRUCTOR: (clears throat) All three of them.
[2054: We develop cheap cloning technology]
[2055: Restaurant opens where you can have clones of yourself serve cooked clones of yourself]
She went out this morning for milk and lovingly announced upon her return that she’d bought me two donuts, then when I wasn’t looking she unlovingly ate one.
the vatican should not be allowed to name any new saints until God sorts out my numerous issues with the citibank web portal
Sounds like a bargain
When a CW is coming out of the men’s room as I walk past, I always ask if everything went well because that’s the polite thing to do.
You can’t get in trouble for leaving work early if you disable the security cameras and crawl out the air-conditioning duct.
wife *comes downstairs* How long has my mom been here?
me: About an hour
wife:
me:
wife *lets her in*
I hate when I can’t remember if my wife and I are in love or fighting. So, I’m like a minesweeper in the mornings.
I’m in such a great mood today
Anxiety: I’ll be with you in a minute
Honesty is a bit of a red flag for me. Like woah! What are you not trying to hide?!
Does this dress make me look cat?
Tried to sleep by reading a boring book and now it’s suddenly the most interesting book.
Wearing the same outfit two days in a row ’cause I’m practicing to be a cartoon
First minute of hiccups: teehee listen to me i’m so cute
10th minute of hiccups: I YEARN FOR THE SWEET RELEASE OF DEATH
Avoid the embarrassment of mispronouncing their name by immediately forgetting their name
I finally used all those stickers I collected over the years. Now everything in my house is an Apple product.
Just heard a young parent say “Brantley is a demon child.” Well, you’re the one who named him Brantley. Maybe take a hard look in the mirror, Judith.
*weird horror movie sounds*
me: it’s okay, it was just the cat
cat: ah hell nah
me: what?
demon: meow?
I’m crowd funding an organic lettuce purchase from Whole Foods.
Protip: If your spouse says “Thanks for the help” when you didn’t do anything don’t reply “You’re welcome”.
2019 – Go home, you’re drunk.
2020 – Get drunk, you’re home.
Calling someone a drama queen is so negative. Why not “content creator”?
Jesus, take the wheel!
*steering wheel disappears*
*car careens into tree*
*orders a medium pizza*
*opens box*
PIZZA: I’ve contacted your late grandmother. She wants you to know-
*eats pizza*
me (extremely dehydrated and feeling nauseous after drinking nothing but coffee all day): wtf why is this happening the human body is so mysterious
The most important thing I learned in life, and I can’t stress enough, it doesn’t matter where you went to college.
The only thing that matters is that you’re really hot.
[roommate watching me get ready]
dont take that with you
“why not”
why would you
“it’ll be fine”
[hour into date and I spill my bag of ants]