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Home Depot is having their “ultimate tool event” in case anyone wants to buy my cousin Tyler.
6 year old: Daddy, what if the plane goes down? Me: Don’t worry, your mom is with us. She never goes down. 6 year old: What? Me: Want candy?
What’s the best way to remove a grass stain?
Alcohol?
I don’t see how getting drunk will help, but whatever.
I don’t have Facebook I use the police to tell my friends and family when I’m doing badly
typing in the same password a third time but more powerfully
My niece looks like me. She sometimes rolls her eyes or makes faces the way I do. And my brother said he can’t believe he has to grow up with me twice.
I was voted ‘Worlds Worst Bartender’ for my very unpopular tuna daiquiris.
I think my new neighbors are creeps. They seem to be looking into my window every time I’m looking out my window to see what they are doing.
The best thing I ever did was install a fake doorbell.
Now no one ever knocks on my door.
“What’s the going rate for a neighborhood kid?” is not the way to ask if anyone in the area is offering landscaping services. I know that now.
me: [flicking through memory book] aww and this is my first pet, hammy the hamster
gf: you know you could have just taken a photo
Show everyone in the room you are thirsty by making a ‘muuaah’ sound every time someone kisses on the television!
If I ever have to get into a fight with a bear, I’m sneaking in at least one hug.
16 year olds can vote in Scotland. That’s ok because they’ve been drinking since they were 9 and understand disillusionment.
Hollywood’s obsession with hacking scenes in movies made me woefully overestimate how many elevators I’d have to “hack” as a programmer
If you can’t spell, we can’t hangman.
I don’t worry about my ex husband stealing my identity because he never even remembered my birthday
TRUMP: I don’t have a subpoena. I have a very huge poena.
LAWYER: Would you like to press charges?
CHARGES: Please don’t touch me.
*first day using my sith power*
“Hey stormtrooper, stop hitting yourself!”
Christ! How many beers did I have last night?!
You: (about to show me a video on your phone)
Me: oh haha ya i’ve seen this already but def don’t ask me any questions about it
not being able to fall asleep is so embarrassing. All I’m asking my brain to do is nothing and it can’t even do that?
My husband at 3 AM: What’s that noise? What’s that noise? What’s THAT noise? I can’t sleep.
My husband when I’m talking to him, in his ear, with a megaphone: What? Sorry, I didn’t hear you.
I keep every love note I’ve ever written because one day I’ll have grandchildren who will find them and it’ll fill my heart with joy to hear one of them ask what it means to tongue punch a fur burger.
If you truly want my undivided attention start to tell me something then say never mind
My husband has been singing Mambo Number 5 for an hour. If he keeps this up, his next tune will be Divorce Number 1.
I hate ramen noodles.
*Checks bank account balance*
I love ramen noodles!
“Why do you hate me?”
– me any time someone tells me I have to sleep on a futon
Oh no, we don’t go in there. That room belongs to the spiders.