Local news : box full of kittens mistaken for a bomb. I have to go to this town. I may be mistaken for Megan Fox.
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me: just tell me I don’t die in an Arby’s bathroom stall
Death: [sadly looking up from his book] look, what matters is how you lived
your quarterback name is your grandfather’s first name and the last thing you did mine’s Dom Paintwall. ok you go
My 16yo daughters boyfriend struggled with a capri sun for the last 10 minutes. I think it’s ok to leave her alone with him.
thankfully, most bananas are boneless
Kid next door asked if I could help him with his math homework, I said sure kid right after we play hide and seek, I’ll hide first.
take me back to when my son was three, and he sang to me that i was his sunshine, his only sunshine, i made him happy when skies were “grape”
[on my deathbed]
me: make sure the kids remember their dear ol’ dad
wife: dave isn’t old
me: what
Wanted to respond with “Perfect!” but accidentally sent “Pervert!”
That’s my cue to leave. And sorry, Steve, you’re probably not a pervert.
Why did it have to be the dog? I have the hubby insured for $1.5 million.
Why can’t the T-Rex clap it’s hands? Because it’s extinct.
Chameleon wife: “Does my bum look big in this dress?”
Chameleon husband: “What dress? Where are you?”
My goal was to have $10,000 saved by the end of 2022. I’m already at $8.32.
[ on trial ]
me, whispering to my criminal defense lawyer: do you think the judge thinks I’m cute?
judge: we can all hear you
me: then I’d like an answer to the question
*tosses incriminating letter into the fireplace*
ME: will someone please light a fire in this fireplace
I told the kids if they’re not good we’re flying United this summer.
Was decorating the front yard last night and one of the neighborhood kids tried to deflate me.
She said she liked animals but apparently all the fruit flies around my apartment was a “turn off”
bananaphobia: when you don’t have any nagging fears but your therapist puts you on the spot so you pick whatever you had for breakfast
Me: The house is a disaster. We all need to clean.
8-year-old: Who’s coming over?
Me: No one. We’re cleaning for us.
8: But we already know we live like this.
This year I’m the Invisible Man for Halloween, according to this bartender that apparently hasn’t seen me standing here for an hour
doctor: we had to remove your appendix
JRR Tolkien: but that’s where I explain why elves hate dwarves
My daughter is late coming down to breakfast. Her 3 strips of bacon are getting cold. I mean 2 strips. Sorry, 1 strip. She’ll have cereal.
All I’m saying is the second guy to bungee jump was honest about his weight.
Batman: [sees signal] what’s the emergency
Commissioner Gordon: why weren’t you at my birthday party
You can totally spray tan your baby, it’s not illegal.
1) Throw a ball of yarn into a fencing battle 2) Wait until the fight is over 3) Retrieve your fully-knitted sweater
People who incessantly go on and on about replacing things that taste good with quinoa, please stop
Got fired from my job as a museum guide for telling everyone the statues are all Medusa’s ex-boyfriends.
Before you harm any of your co-workers please consider the potential negative impact of prison on your Twitter time.
I like to play 20 Questions with my kids but I always ask the questions and every question is “Will you please stop that?”