Tuba = Terrible Underwater Breathing Apparatus
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Me: *buys a baseball cap shopping with my 13yo Niece, rips off the tag, and curves the brim*
Niece: *stares at me like I committed a murder in front of her*
I’m glad I learned about parallelograms instead of how to do taxes. It’s really come in handy this parallelogram season
who called it a toilet and not an IP address
[3am]
My demon: [dragging me down rabbit hole with me kicking and screaming]
Also my demon: there will be cookies
Me: say no more!
#GettingOldMeans if I drop a pen on the ground it stays on the ground. Bending down is a young man’s game.
My son just asked me to buy a book for school that he needs to read by tomorrow.
Now I need to go hide all my procrastination awards before I yell at him for procrastinating.
When I laugh on my period
Today I saw a kid being pushed around in the shopping cart while eating a snack and watching a movie on an iPad. It’s tough to see others living out your dreams.
Be the reason your therapist reevaluates their entire career.
[rejected dialogue from star trek II: the wrath of khan]
khan: revenge is a dish with a dried glob of food on it that won’t come off no matter how hard you scrub
ugh fine
…i guess since i’m a
pisces i’ll marry aquaman
So is this super moon just, like, our mild-mannered regular moon that took off its glasses?
Doctor: It’s terrible. You’ve been diagnosed with Tetris.
Me: Doc, I think you mean Tetanus.
Doctor: This is serious!
Me: *neatly wedging myself into the corner of the room* You must be mistaken
Finally passed GO. That’s the last time I eat a Monopoly board.
Him: If they ask you any questions, just play stupid. You know nothing….
Me: Oh, I think I can handle that.
Every recipe should include ingredients, instructions, and which local restaurant delivers last minute
My mailman is scared of me because I’m always doing handstands on my porch when he comes by and I sometimes chase him around a little
Judging by the amount of times I accidently cut myself on sharp objects it’s probably just as well real lightsabers aren’t available yet.
The roof of my mouth has had it too easy lately. I’m gonna eat some scalding hot pizza followed by a handful of granola.
TWEET CALL
Thank you to 15k of you who followed me for one reason or another! Please share one tweet from you or a friend and please consider donating to this friend of mine. She is in a bad place and trying to get out, please share if you can ❤️
Every heartwarming human interest story in america is like “he raised $20,000 to keep 200 orphans from being crushed in the orphan-crushing machine” and then never asks why an orphan-crushing machine exists or why you’d need to pay to prevent it from being used.
Me: Can’t. I’m exhausted from all the CrossFit this morning.
Him: It’s pronounced ‘croissant’ & how the hell did you eat the entire dozen?!
Him: Productive conference call?
Me: Hell yeah. I painted my toes, posted 6 pictures on IG, and got in one solid nap.
Guten Morgen. What do you call an angry German mob?
Sauer crowd.
Parenting pro-tip: don’t own nice shit.
Turns out I can hold my breath with a pillow over my face way longer than an old person. Innocent mistake..
I texted my wife “Hey” and she texted back “It’s on the dresser.”
The idea is to just keep scrolling on your phone until you die.
Popeye: Whys you we’rin glasses? A-gah-gah-gah
Brutus: Doc says I need em bad
Olive: Hiya fellas
Brutus: *jumps back* THAT’S HOW YOU LOOK?
British people this week:
“Ooh it’s too hot for me”
“Enjoy it while it lasts!”