Wife: I’m going to grab some dinner, you want anything?
Me: No thanks, I’m stuffed.
Wife: Ok, I’m going to Taco…
Me: I’ll have 9 tacos.
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Atheists, if Jesus isn’t real then explain this.
I thanked my husband for favoriting one of my tweets and he said: ‘Ya that was an accident.’
I bet that if you cooked the entire Earth in a giant microwave, it would somehow come out cold in the middle.
My fridge constantly looks like I’m stockpiling for a massive cheese shortage.
Please excuse the house, we’re remodeling.
– whenever we have company and are never remodeling
Please look at this text I just received from my boyfriend and yes you have the same amount of context as I do
Day 1 of diet:
forgot I was on a diet and had a milkshake and fried chicken. Will try again tomorrow.
If you need another reason to stay off Facebook there’s a “turn yourself into a ‘Peanuts’ character” thing going around.
DOORDASH: imagine a $12 sandwich
ME: Damn I bet it’s so good
DOORDASH: now imagine you can have it for just $27
My iPod can hold over 3,000 songs, or one voicemail from my mom..
Trix are for kids, but when my favorite rabbit gets together with the Energizer bunny it’s grownup time.
strapless bras are cool cause by the end of the night you have a new belt
All I’m saying is if the toilet still flushes when the power and gas goes out, why don’t we run more things on toilet power?
To whoever has my voodoo doll, can you stop making me stare at my phone all day? This isn’t funny. I just want to live life again.
Why is “silly goose” a phrase have u ever met a goose they are the most serious and powerful dinosaur lookin monsters I’ve ever encountered not one of them is silly
spell restraraurarauant without autocorrect i dare you
Yes I have exams.
No, I’m not easily distracted.
Yes, my shadow is interesting.
I will always post cat eating corn when I see it
What flavor cupcake are these
I know dropping your phone/keys in a public toilet is bad but have you ever lost a shoe trying to kick the flusher
Me: so then you bring in 3 investors and like they bring in 3 investors and it just keeps going and going until we all get rich. You get it?
Pharaoh: i actually love this
I told the kids we had 3 of them so we’ve got one to make money, one to marry into it, and whoever’s left gets to change my poopy diapers when I’m done looking after myself. Long story short, they’re now in a race to leave home first.
And that’s how you win at parenting.
I put construction worker experience on my resume because I’ve done build a bear several times.
lady: omg your puppy is so cute whats his name
me: laser guardian
Dracula: Let me give you eternal life….
Me: Are you kidding me have you looked around at this world…no thank you.
Dracula: What time is sunrise?
If I were a cashier I’d pretend people were waiting in line to kiss me.
You: *extending your hand palm up* Give me some skin!
Me: *shakes throw pillow over your hand*
#damn
Mrs. Jekyll: I’m eating for two
Dr. Jekyll: oh no not you too
A smile every mile will get you further faster but if that doesn’t work, carjacking does.