If I had to pick a favorite Rocky movie, it’d be Rocky IV. I’ve never seen it but I hear Creed dies in that one & I really hate their music.
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I never knew how fast I could write until the teacher said pencils down.
“Swimming is dangerous, so I wear floaties on my arms for safety!”
[cut to me floating face-down in a pool with only my arms above water]
At what age do you tell your kids that the UN isn’t real
Wife and daughter are doing a Friends marathon. It’s on 24/7.
No one told me life was gonna be this way.
Calm down penguins. You’re just a flashy suit and a few body parts away from being a platypus.
[Signing waiver for the show Cops]
No no, you don’t have to blur my face but how about a sweet mustache?
“Just circling back on this.”
“Take another lap.”
Why isn’t Missouri’s state motto “Missouri loves company” ???
Do you like freezing to death and knocking down trees with your face? Well why not book a skiing holiday?
Just saw a fully functional phone booth with an intact yellow pages; so, yeah, I know a thing or two about time travel.
him: who is your fantasy?
me: huh?
him: who would you like to be stuck in an elevator with?
me: the elevator repair man.
All I want is a tall, handsome guy with the wit of Deadpool who loves me like Westley, has moves like Antonio Banderas -in anything- the intellect of Sherlock, and the courage of a Viking.
An accent would be a bonus.I really don’t think that’s too much to ask.
*3am
Me: *thinking* That bird sounds pretty damn happy for the middle of the night.
Bird: *chirping* Dear God why can’t I sleep?!!!
My signature move is appearing out of nowhere with an emotional support taco
[gun shop]
ME: Does this gun come with a nuclear warhead?
CLERK: Haha no that’s illegal
ME: Ok
CLERK: You can buy the warhead separately
son: my girlfriend & I just broke up
me: sorry to hear that
s:
me: plenty of fish in the sea, though
s:
me: not that this helps you
s:
me: cause you’re human & not, y’know..
s:
me: …an aquatic sea animal
s:
me: such a variety of oceanic fauna
s:
me: please go away
#WhenCopyEditorsWorkDrunk …
Do you prefer to travel by gravy train or gravy boat
Life hack: If I ever end my advice with “I promise”, do the opposite. I’m bored and want to see if you’re going to do the stupid shit I suggested.
It’s so hot farmers are harvesting tomato soup.
They say someone in the US is bitten by a shark 19 times a year.
Poor guy.
Hey kids, remember the feeling you got when you cleaned your room without being asked and no one noticed? That’s what adulthood’s like.
My son: Did you hear about the guy who got injured playing peek-a-boo?
Me: No
Son: he’s in the ICU
Guilt should be a condiment. It goes on everything.
Lionel Ritchie being British :
🎵 Hello!
Is it tea you’re looking for? 🎵
After cleaning out the pantry, I realized my kid only likes the idea of cereal.
It’s okay, everyone. I know my 3yo’s screams sound like his leg was run over by a lawn mower, but he’s just got some fuzz stuck to his thumb
I start undressing you with my eyes. About halfway through, your zipper gets caught on my cornea and I start screaming in agony.
FBI: If you testify you’ll have to go into the Witness Protection Program
ME: I’ll do it
FBI: Your wife and kids too
ME: Oh ok never mind
The flight attendant asked if I’d like some wine and I said no but my kids would they need to sleep and she looked shocked so anyway I may have a date with cps upon landing