Met a friend from Twitter in real life and didn’t get murdered. Take that, Mom.
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I jump out in front of you and open my trenchcoat, but I’m fully clothed. I start showing you the kittens I keep in the pockets. Are they wearing their own tiny raincoats? Heck yeah they are
me: [banging head on wall]
wife: honey is something wrong
me: [sobbing] I’M A SHITTY WOODPECKER
Every once in a while someone really special walks into your life. That person is usually delivering a pizza
The list of “unfriendly” countries designated by russia is almost identical to the list of countries where there is drinking tap water. You can make your own conclusions, but I think that russians just don’t like tap water.
[in Starbucks]
“It’s Ian with one i”.
“We only need your first name Mr Wivwanaye”.
I ran without my headphones today & was reminded that I feel better about my fitness when my soundtrack isn’t my panicked gasping breathing.
Florida is about to release millions of genetically modified mosquitoes.
I hope when they bite you they make you drive better.
I’m a married white male; my forefathers saw to it that I’m not allowed to be offended by anything.
“And there was this one time…”
*scuffle scuffle*
*muffled swearing*
*mic drops*Me, giving a wedding toast
Because you can’t hang up in person.
Duct tape,
if you are a fly, please ignore this tweet
girls be like “can you get my lip gloss from my purse? just reach in & head left, take a right at the wallet then turn left til you pass 3 nutrigrain bars & take your next right then head straight & it should be there. if you’ve hit the 2007 target receipts you’ve gone too far”
If there’s anything Urban Dictionary has taught me it’s that I shouldn’t be so curious at times.
Kinda rude my neighbours live next to me.
3am
H: *yells from bedroom*
babe, do I smell cake?
M: *not looking up, eating cake from the pan*
nope, it’s a new plug in
*kidnapper calls to make his demands but my kid keeps interrupting him to ask if he wants to see his fidget spinner*
DAD: You’re adapted.
SCREENPLAY: What?!
Intermittent fasting between breakfast and lunch then again between lunch and snack time. Then, you guessed it, between snack time and dinner then one more time between dinner and my late night beer and cheese tray. Just being healthy, I’m a health nut now
We don’t talk enough about Nicholson’s competent axe technique in The Shining
Me: Let’s go outside & make love in the rain.
Her: What if there’s lightning?
Me: Then you get to be on top…
Time is precious, waste it wisely.
yes yes space rockets but who is working on the technology where I can microwave my whole lean cuisine without having to take it out after a minute to stir the pasta section and then put it back in
hate seeing people i know in public. go to a different public 😫
When you’re craving a Krabby Patty so bad!!! But the Krusty Krab is closed….and also fictional.
“We run a tight ship” barked the captain, his shoulders barely getting thru the doorway “Real tight.”
he turns sideways to fit down the hall
My 4 year-old pronounces Cookie Monster as Coke-y Monster and if a 4 year-old could figure it out, then it’s about time we stage an intervention for that furry blue drug addict.
My 4yr old daughter just charged me $47 for a fake cake she cooked in her pretend oven.
I laughed.
…
She stared at me until I paid her.
An esteemed colleague told me he hard-boils eggs in the morning, uses them as pocket warmers, and then has them as a little mid-morning snack when he gets to work.
Truly, the line between genius and madness is very thin.
The soul weighs 21 grams. We know this because the Jurassic World film reels are 21 grams lighter than Jurassic Park
Took my son to see Spider-Man this weekend and he cried because I wouldn’t let him wear his costume because it was too cold. Plus, it was my turn.