A hug and slap are both powerful but not everyone deserves a hug.
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remember when the fbi would threaten you at the beginning of every vhs tape, that was pretty cool
If you hit an iceberg, you’ll know because Celine Dion will start playing
“Is my wife asleep or dead?”
It’s a game I play by picking up her phone.
WIFE: Were you harassing that old gypsy woman again?
ME: *fighting off a crow* Of course not!
WIFE: You lying to me?
ME: No.
*rains frogs*
ramses: *checking phone* wtf is a dense frog warning
moses: 🙂
ramses: oh you son of a-
My husband asked me to do something creative in the bedroom, so I positioned my three dogs in the shape of a heart and went to sleep.
I don’t know much about fashion. I assume a leotard is an idiot born between July 23 & August 22.
The irish goodbye: leave without telling anyone
The Midwest goodbye: stand around for 4-8 more hours saying goodbye to the entire party
I’m going to get so many free clothes when the rapture comes.
Woo hoo, July 4th wknd! Popped opened a beer, unbottoned my pants, put my feet up. My boss keeps looking at me weird, though.
What idiot called them atheists instead of non-parishables?
Don’t pay your taxes. Get sent to a cool ass prison. Boom, now taxes pay you. Life hack.
Look, if I have to stop to explain the reasoning behind everything I do, I’ll never get anything done, so could you please just let me finish the construction of this banana cannon
[commercial for mops]
*scene of a man licking up a pool of spilled soda off the dirty floor*
“There has to be a better way”
Narrator:MOPS
My husband & I have a secret signal we use when it’s time to leave a party. I pull an air horn out of my purse and blast it.
*bringing a parachute as my hand luggage on any Boeing flight from here on in
I used to eat a lot of Belgian chocolate, but I gave it up for Lindt.
*Selling Thanksgiving raffle tickets
Me: Hey, how about taking a chance on a turkey?
Her: No thanks, I don’t want to go out with you!
My wife’s been recovered from COVID for over a month and she still insists that it’s safer for me to sleep on the couch.
olive garden manager: why are you quitting
waiter: i signed up to guard olives
[Divorce court]
Judge: The reason you’re divorcing is “he’s annoying?”
Wife: He pronounces “yikes” like “Nike”
J: Baliff, throw him in jail
Uber Eats: Imagine this $15 burger.
Me: Damn, that looks delicious.
Uber Eats: now, imagine it being $35…
Meghan Trainor songs:
-All About That Bass
-Flounder’s Good Too
-Also I Like Shrimp
-Wait, I’m a Vegan
-All About That Kale
it takes 700 grapes to make a bottle of wine and that’s why you’re fat
Watch it bro, your mouth’s writing checks your body can’t cash. Because you write really sloppy with the pen in your mouth. Seriously, wtf?
Vampires have to scroll forever to get to their birth year
I made the cutest little Easter baskets with leaves and fronds. My neighbor is still wondering who sawed off the top of his palm tree.
I let that asshole into traffic and he can’t even oh look he’s waving we’re friends now.
At this point the only way a handsome man’s ever going to chase me through an airport is if I steal his bag off the carousel.
boss: why did you cross out “world” on my “world’s best boss” mug
me: have you met every boss in the world
boss: no bu—
me: just seems like a lofty claim
boss: {gesturing at my “universe’s awesomest employee” shirt}
me:
boss:
me: this one’s true tho