If a picture is worth a thousand words then why does everyone only buy Playboy magazine for the articles?
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Her (seductively): Anything special you want tonight for your birthday?
Me: You know what I like in bed, baby.
Her:
Me: *winks*
Her: *leaves the ceiling fan on*
I just found a gray hair and I’m shocked this past year only gave me the one
TRUMP: if elected i’ll build a protective wall. I’ll call it the great wall
*advisor whispers in his ear*
i’ll call it the really great wall
Imagine the conversations between
the fly on the wall and the elephant
in the room after everyone leaves.
Even if I’m mad at my wife I should be mature enough not to flush the toilet on purpose while she’s in the shower, but it turns out I’m not.
COP: let’s see some ID sir
ME: *hands him the little sticker from my lemon*
COP: this ain’t gonna cut it bud
ME: fine *hands him the lemon*
Mother in law: why do you grow so much sage? You don’t even cook with it.
Me: I burn it when you leave.
[hosting a kids show]
ME: ok everybody, what time is it?? say it loud!!
KIDS: OWL! TOUCHING! TIME!
[camera zooms in on a startled barn owl]
Who called it ‘The Last Supper’ and not ‘Jesus take the meal’
My kid threatened to hold her breath until I gave her dessert. Now she’s a pearl diver in the Philippines & can afford her own damn dessert.
I will not be participating in the end of daylight savings time on the grounds that setting my clock back will add an hour to 2020.
The Gym is like Church. Everybody thinks that by going one hour, one day, they’ll erase what they did during the week.
“What should we call ourselves?”
How about 22 pilots?
“Idk. Seems like an awful lot of pilots”
21 pilots?
“Omg”
Him: wanna go to your favorite place?
Me: Poundtown?!
H: I was thinking Target but—
M: no, no, your instincts were correct
“Hey, Mr Tambourine Man, play a song for me.”
*shakes tambourine*
“Got any others?”
*shakes tambourine*
“Sounds a lot like the last one”
Honk if you are possessed by the vengeful spirit of a goose
I’m at that age where all my friends have husbands and babies and all I’ve got is time and money.
“Dad, these glasses make everything look much bigger!”
*Snatches glass and hands to my wife
Today my 3yo said that we should celebrate because today is my last birthday… WAIT YOU LITTLE NOSTRADAMUS SHIT WHAT DO YOU KNOW?
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but, don’t drink aquarium water to impress a girl……..
Sometimes I lay awake at night and ask myself, why don’t I have a hedgehog?
My mum has asked for ‘bath stuff’ for Christmas so I’ve bought her a toaster.
Wife – remember to compliment the host
[later]
Me – your wife is hot
It’s adorable how breakfast assumes we’re all able to fast.
I can’t convince the kids to come for dinner yet my husband convinced them he can do backflips, but only in his backflip pants, which he has misplaced.
6:57pm: I am conducting an experiment — I’m going to pet my dog continuously and see if he ever gets tired of it
4:09am, June 14, 2029: no
If the world made any sense, all sperm whales would be male.
At least the self-checkout doesn’t ask me what I’m making for dinner with these items or when I’m going to call my mother.
Sorry I didn’t call you back, I got distracted for 7 years when I had kids
If they ban straws, that means I can no longer flirtatiously blow the straw wrapper at my date and that is literally my only move.