Have you heard about these cats getting plastic surgery to look like kittens?
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#IStartedLaughingWhen I found out WHY my phone storage was full..
You know who brings a knife to a gun fight?
Cannibals.
And also a fork.
According to customer service I can not bring sexy back…
Without the receipt, apparently.
me putting things at the top of cabinet is top tier self hatred
Me: Go clean your room.
10: No, thanks. It’s not Mother’s Day yet.
I hope that when the zombies finally do come, they’re all dyslexic and they only go after Brians.
[sinking ship]
CAPTAIN: dammit
RAT: i’m leaving
CAPTAIN: i’m staying
CAPTAIN’S GOLDFISH: [in fishbowl] i’m excited to see how this plays out
Spoiler alert: The fairytale ends with the prince at work, 3 whiney kids, and you are cinderella AND the wicked witch.
Me: well that didn’t age well
My Mirror:
cats can’t give you covid but they would if they could
Listen, I’m all about neighborliness, but if you ring my bell one more time at 7am just to inform me you received my newspaper
I. Will. Boil. Your. Rabbit.
Poor Luigi when his parents were all, “This is Mario, we also call him ‘Super Mario’. And this Luigi, we also call him ‘Player 2’.
Online dating rule: If we meet up offline, and you look nothing like your pictures, then you’re buying me drinks until you do.
You’re 35 weeks pregnant and gonna make me do math?
GF: Can I have some almonds?
Me: Sure I’m done with them.
GF: These are good!
Me: They were better when the chocolate was on them.
Me: My heartburn is out of control
Dr: Are you still taking your meds
Me: Yes I take them every morning with my 1st pot of coffee
Dr: (exhaling loudly)
Baby Bella mushroom: Where did I come from?
Full of shiitake biology teacher:
Well when umami and udadi who love each other very much…
[Xmas morning]
wife: Honey, is this a dolphin? We agreed no dolphins.
“dolphin-shaped gift flopping wildly under tree*
me: JUST OPEN IT
Me (comforting a friend who’s team lost): There, there. Football is stupid
My neighbors just got new wind chimes. Guess who is going to have their wind chimes stolen tonight?
It’s not politically correct to say Retarded, we say Politician now.
(plastic vampire teeth falling out of my mouth) divorth??
Me: you can’t spell menu without me n u
Waiter:
Me:
Waiter: my shift ends at 11
genie: [unloading my dishwasher] this is ridiculous
They should invent a Sunday that’s longer than a couple of minutes.
Me- Tonight’s menu consists of savory wild fowl and a side of greens a la creme de mushrooms complete with a robust sprinkling of onions
14- So Turkey and green bean casserole again?
Me: You should cut your toenails.
Wife: Huh?
M: You’re scratching my leg.
W: I’m WAY on the other side of the bed!
M: That’s kinda my point.
One time John Waters spilled water on me and my mom said “thank god his name isn’t John Barbecue Sauce!”
I want to be the woman in the neighborhood rumored to be a witch that eats children.
I see you people drinking from your water bottles without spilling or choking, flaunting your superiority in our faces like that