Commenting “this aged poorly” on my friend’s wedding anniversary posts from several years ago now that she’s getting divorced
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Me and the dogs are watching a Tom and Jerry cartoon. They appreciate the blue and yellow hues, and I like the orchestral score, but we’re not buying the improbable plot twists and we bemoan the lack of character depth
You don’t love me? Don’t worry, the first step is denial.
I know repetitive noises irritate people so I’m surprised there weren’t more rage-induced murders back when typewriters were being used
Quit college. Become an oven. Get up to like 500 degrees.
*1st date*
[Be cool, just dont let her know youre a 1st generation PS3]
So where do y-
*internal cooling fan drowns out entire conversation*
Me *remembering my therapist said to be confident enough to answer questions* I’m under the table
Murderer: ok thanks
Dig one moat around your house and everyone’s all “you’re being unreasonable” and “where did you get the alligators”
COWORKER: you got like 8 hickeys. Must’ve been a fun weekend haha
ME (remembering not to talk about octopus fight club): yea it got pretty wild
Dogs will go through amazing effort to get a better view of your plate
Lice is the herpes of kindergarten.
You could make dinner for a toddler, or you could just cut out the middle man & throw away a plate of food and squirt ketchup on the dog.
Nutella. A delicious mix of nuts and umbrellas.
I can make six sentences with just the names of my two sons.
Chase will chase Will.
Will will chase Chase.
Will Chase chase Will?
Chase will.
Will Will chase Chase?
Will will.
I have to ugly cry for the facial recognition to work.
A woman at my gym has a jellyfish tattoo on her arm.
So I peed on her
Dinosaur 911: what’s ur emergency
Dinosaur: A FIREBALL IN THE SKY IS FLYIN AT US
Dinosaur 911: is it the sun
Dinosaur: haha probably. bye
*runs a marathon how Mick Jagger dances*
“Down”
“Penetration”
“Tight End”
“Ball handling”
Don’t the networks have censors any more?
How I like cutting carbs
Me: How do we get to the bottom of the canyon?
Guide: *gesturing to donkey* Burro
Me: *starts digging* Come and help you stupid donkey
What did this chicken ever do to them?? 😂😂😂
Oh, I see. “Adam and Steve” is gay, but “Adam dates his own rib” is perfectly acceptable.
Got so drunk last night that I was able to translate three Pearl Jam albums into English
feeling sad today. can everyone please send cute pictures of their credit card, front and back?
HER: I’m ending this
ME: why?
HER: you’re way too literal
ME: I promise I can change
HER: prove it
ME: *puts on a different shirt*
Dear Abby,
I never thought this would happen to me. Today I met a sexy woman who told me I write letters to the wrong publication.
Since 1994 my New Year resolution has been the same. Don’t get murdered by Courtney Love.
DOG: [looking out the window] wat a beautiful mornimg! the sky is grey, the grass is grey, the birds are grey and readey to eat,
A Post-It note on every wine bottle at home that just says DON’T CUT YOUR HAIR AGAIN THAT WAS BAD