[stabbing you with a knife]
I’m just being sarcastic, lighten up.
You Might Also Like
Him [angrily]: You borrowed my car and it’s a mess. McDonald’s wrappers, fries on the floor…
Me: Let me stop you right there, because first of all, I never TOUCH McDonald’s. It’s Wendy’s.
Me: *picks up regular store brand item instead of economy store brand item*
My family: what’s the occasion?
I work for the government which means I have to enter 2 passwords in order to print documents that are open to the public.
ME, 10: I want a big mansion
ME, 20: I want a cool apartment
ME, 30: I want a small hut that stands on chicken legs & has been hidden away deep in the forest
i’m tired of the phrase “too bad” so from now on I’m saying “that’s cactuses” and if you don’t like it well that’s cactuses
I don’t think of them as cheap hotels, I think of them as fancy camping.
Might start a YouTube channel “will it hurt if i drop it on my foot”
When you get to my age, your milkshake still brings boys to the yard, but they’re like “I’m lactose intolerant.”
Me: [travels back in time but dies in the vacuum of space because I forgot to account for the earth’s orbit] ope!
Where do I see myself in five years? *kicks feet up on desk* Sir, does my resumé list “psychics abilities” under skills? No. Next question.
Someone asked us to sign a petition in favor of backyard chickens and now my kids have a new idea for a pet
This Halloween I’m going as that friendly guy who walked around your college campus but wasn’t even enrolled & turned out to be 28 & then disappeared completely
King-sized beds: Because you both want to sleep on the same mattress, but not in the same zip code.
I was bitten by a crow, since then I’ve had the proportionate strength, speed, and agility of a guy who is bleeding from the head a bit
Chicken pot pie sounds like such a good idea. If you add commas.
I’ll believe corporations are people when Texas executes one.
We weren’t going to post a joke about mail, but sometimes you just gotta send it.
I just want what every middle-aged person wants: to remember what it was that I wanted
I didn’t get a chance to do yoga this morning or any other morning of my life.
When I pretend to know what I am talking about when I have to go car shopping.
My 4yo wanted to show me how she’d put her little brother to bed. When we opened his door, he was up playing with toys. She cried NO YOU’RE SUPPOSED TO STAY IN BED and my oh my, how the tables have turned
I just typed “relationship” and it came up “delusional” on my phone. First time I realized my phone really is smart.
me: ok so it’s a movie about a scientist who builds a zoo that contains prehistoric horses with long necks..
movie exec: i’m not sure that..
me: ..we’ll call it Giraffic Park
movie exec: ok first of all, i love it..
Pro-Tip: If you’re going to use chlorophorm on someone make sure you don’t inhale it yourself.
You know you have something special w someone when u start finishing their sentences. But enough about me & my local Subway sandwich artist
Why do you have a peloton sticker on your car?
ARE YOU PEDALING??
you’re so tired of people trying to sell you courses that you buy a course to teach you how to reject people selling courses
Whoever is bringing me the 3 dozen donuts each morning, thank you. But could you just leave them on my desk and not in the break room?
After 35, your body ages in dog years
Tried to create a relaxing atmosphere in my statistics practical today by putting on a YouTube fireplace video but there are about 8 large screens on the walls in the room so instead it looked like we were all in hell