funny thing about zombie movies — they never seem to go after the cameraman 🤷♀️
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shampoo bottle: Contains No Parabens!
me (has no idea what that is or means): good.
[first day on wind farm]
me: *placing bucket under turbine* what do I squeeze
the main function of the little toe on your foot is to make sure that all the furniture in the house is in it’s place.
so, is there a mister shapen head
So quick to claim someone on your taxes yet so slow to make them a snack.
Left work, txted wife “Coming homo.” Then I txted her “Haha whoops, I meant BEcoming homo.”
Mom, I have a runny nose I don’t need a rectal thermometer.
Plus, I’m 35
i can’t wait that long
This EpiPen doesn’t write for shit. I’m not sure why this guy that handed me it needs it. He’s just flailing around grabbing his neck.
date: so what do you do?
me: *doing a huge amount of karate* adderall
ALIEN: [1st day on Earth wearing my hollowed carcass as a disguise & trying to blend in] COFFEE AMIRITE
It’s Cyber Monday, sooo…. what are you wearing?
Nothing says, “I have a lot of free time,” more than someone eating a pomegranate.
Qui-gon: You will give me the parts
Watto: I’m immune to mind tricks
Qui: Are you immune to lightsabers?
Watto: I will give you the parts
I’d like to think my children have so much more to learn from me but my son asked me how big the sun is and I replied with “big” so chances are I’ve already taught them everything I know.
Ever feel like you have one foot in a canoe and the other on a banana peel?
Snail 1: Are you male or female?
Snail 2: Yes
Snail 1: Me too!
[they kiss passionately]
Those who do not learn from history are destined to repeat it.
But I guess the same can be said for math and geography courses.
Didn’t think I was that out of practice at parenting but then I went to put a friend’s one and a half year old in his car seat and it was like trying to stuff an octopus into a net bag.
8: [looking at a picture list of US presidents]. Why are they all SO OLD?
14: because you have to be old to be the president. Like, 40 and older.
me, 40: what in the shit did you just say?
I come from a long line of over-achievers, and I’ve put a stop to that nonsense.
ME: I love u
GF: omg
ME: and I wanna be with u always
GF: *crying*
ME: [gets down on 1 knee] will u–
GF: U ARE DISRESPECTING THE FLAG
What did watching Cinderella teach us?
7yo:
It taught us that if she had been wearing sensible shoes, she would still be scrubbing floors.
I just spent the day painting our fence. All I know is tomorrow I better be able to do karate.
[Homeschool field trip to the laundry room]
Kids: Dad, what IS this place?
Me: I have absolutely no idea
Damn, my printer is needy af. Always asking for more paper or more ink. I give and give and then it tells me it doesn’t think we have a connection.
friend: why do u look sad
me: I have wrongdog
friend: what’s wrongdog
me: *big breath in*
The only time my kids and I actually agree on anything is when they try to roast me and I reply YO MAMA by accident.
Our new neighbours came over with an email and phone number because they’re leaving their teenage son home alone for a few days.
I told them not to worry.
I’ve seen The Graduate and he’s in good hands.
Sealed it with my super genuine slow wink.Anyways, making friends is hard.
Sometimes I’ll stop the treadmill at the gym and run in place. When people ask me what I’m doing, I’ll say, “Pretend stoplight.”