[lying in bed after sex] my dad hit someone with his minivan in 1989.
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ugh he wants to go hiking as a first date, just like hitler
If your dog doesn’t have a middle name how will they know when you’re mad at them when you call them?
ME: i can’t wait for the game of thrones series finale!
FRIEND: oh i didn’t know you watched game of thrones
ME: i don’t
Her: You should drink in moderation
Me: Moderation?You makin words up?
H: You’re gonna piss on my lawn again aren’t you?
M: …In moderation
“Full House fans have found a 1993 episode of the show called “Be True To Your Preschool”. In it, Loughlin’s Aunt Becky stops Uncle Jesse (John Stamos) from lying to get their toddler twins into an ‘elite preschool'”
AAAAAAAAAAHAHAHAHAHA
High school teachers: “Your college profs aren’t going to be as lenient as we are.”
College profs: “Sorry I’m late I didn’t want to come.”
Husband:What do you want for Mother’s Day?
Me:I don’t want to have to tell you what I want
Husband:(goes to the store and never comes back)
Me: I picked up Oliver from doggy daycare.(talking to dog) I’d never forget you. No I wouldn’t.
Husband: Did you pick up the kids from your mom’s house?
Me: …Kids?
Meeeee too!
me: Guess what? Your dad’s going to be on the radio!
7yo: What’s the radio?
[at hotel]
Friend: Heard your wife last night…she’s a screamer
[flashback to my toenail scratching her leg in bed]
Me: Yep, nailed her
isaac newtown got hit in the head & invented calculus. i broke my nose last night when I was drunk & invented a louder version of crying.
MOVIE IDEA: Jurassic Park, but the fences all work and everyone just has a really lovely time.
everyone’s a critic
I lost 800 pounds (7 friends) since i started the keto diet
How depressed are you on a scale from 1 to “regularly visits song lyrics websites”?
Hey people who emphasize words that end in an E by stretching out that E instead of the vowel that *actually* creates the proper emphasis: I hateeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee you.
Me: *opening can of worms
Husband: Where the hell did that come from?
Me: I can’t resist a sale.
[zoom meeting]
big zit on my chin:
ME: come here honey
HER: [yelling from the kitchen] i’m busy
ME: do you need anything from Amazon?
HER: [0.1 seconds later] i have a list
An enterprising neighborhood kid started a business to fill in all those grownup coloring books for us. I feel more relaxed already.
At the aquarium, I hide my hands in my pockets so the Hammerheads don’t see my nails.
Car names fall into two groups: those that basically say, “I’m pissed off with traffic jams so I’m gonna blow out of here and head off by myself down a dirt road.”
…And those that say “I’m elegant, civilized, and artistic.”
{Packing for trip}
ME: I always thought they were called “soupcases”.
HER: Why would they be called soupcases?
ME: Well why would they be called suitcases?
HER: Because they’re for your suits.
ME:
HER:
ME: Okay I need to repack.
I WISH MY PETS WOULD STOP ACCIDENTALLY INJURING ME WITH THEIR KNIFE HANDS
responding “ummmm i have a boyfriend” anytime a coworker asks me to do something in my job description
Nobody associated with Pizza Hut better say anything controversial. I need my stuff crust pizza
Schools spent time teaching us things like quadratic formula and not how to split a check with one person who only has PayPal, someone who only has Venmo, another person who only has Zelle, and nobody has any cash.
the closest I’ve ever come to a threesome was when I was mowing the lawn and I got hit in the face by two dragonflies having sex in mid air