Current life status – By the time I figure out what nostril is plugged, it jumps to the other side.
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Boss: It’s almost quitting time. Drinks?
Me: In my top desk drawer. Help yourself.
Boss:…
realized that the anxieties I have about getting my first tatt are the exact same ones I have about having kids one day, like “can I commit to this forever” and “will it still be cute in 10 years”
Everyone talks about how good car sex is while I’m still over here trying to have sex with a person first.
Monday: forearms
Wednesday: forearms
Friday: forearms
Sunday: forearms
–Popeye’s gym schedule
People act as though the concept of the thought police is a bad thing, but it would actually be really useful if there were an authority that could pull you over to ask “Do you know how stupid you were going just now?”
[45 minutes into Charlie and the Chocolate Factory]
7 year old: how does he still have a job?
The only indoor security camera that I have is inside my fridge, I want to capture the face of whoever steals my cheesecake.
best buy employee: can i help you find anything
me: uh i’m good
best buy employee: ok well if you have any questions i’m colin
me: how’d you get in my house colin
interviewer: why do u want this job
me: i love health insurance
Did you know a hummingbird has to consume half its body weight in sugar every day and that I don’t have to do that but I still also do that?
It’s saying something when you marry Charles Manson and you look like the crazy one.
I opened the fridge door, but something inside slammed it shut. It’s going to be Uber Eats until we can move out.
This is one heck of a thing to drop on me at 3:30 AM, Google.
When I say I’m “going through something” I usually mean a family size box of croissants
If your dog & your baby are fighting, it’s important to leave them to it so that a pack leader can be established.
English is a strange language. Extraordinary should mean something that is exceptionally ordinary. Noisome should be a thing that is noisy. And of course a humanitarian should eat humans.
I imagine dinner would almost be cooked by now if I’d remembered to put it in the oven
– a memoir
Well well well, if isn’t the girl who gave me cooties in third grade…
can’t believe I got front row seats
From a distance, I look like a regular dude. Up close I look like Picasso painted Nicolas Cage.
Every surgery is exploratory if you have no idea what you’re doing
John Travolta is the only person in history to have ever had chills that were capable of doing math.
[getting arrested for passing out drunk while driving] “oh, so now it’s illegal to take a nap?”
Locked in the house because the earth is on fire, dreaming of simpler times, when we were locked in the house because of a catastrophic pandemic.
People who finish their entire stick of lip balm without losing it first should be the only ones allowed to have kids.
When people tell me “You’re gonna regret that in the morning” I sleep in til noon, because I’m a problem Solver
A child stared at me for ten minutes before he asked what that was on my face
His mum replied ‘that’s a beard’I was that kid’s first beard
guys, i almost wrote an inspirational tweet what is happening
5: I’m going to hide my toys in this drawer.
Me: That’s where they go. It’s called “putting things away.”
“Are you going to finish that?”
-takes a tantrum from a toddler