It’s all fun & games till somebody has to explain to the optometrist what a golden shower is & why your eye is highly irritated.
You Might Also Like
Fun prank: replace all your phones with rotary phones and your wifi with a dial-up, then watch your kids move out.
[Interrogation room after a massive Swiss cheese theft]
Detective: I gotta tell ya, your story sure has a lot of….inconsistencies in it.
When I miss my parents I put 12 expired salad dressings in my fridge and it feels like home
If I could travel back in time to before the pandemic to give myself one bit of advice, it would be to steal more stationary from work. Much more.
MAR 14: Pi Day
MAR 15: Ides of March
MAR 17: St. Patrick’s DayMAR 16: middle child, left out as usual
You can’t force someone to love you. All you can do is hire a panda suit and wait outside their window reading sonnets.
[At a loud club]
Me: *the unceasing drone of locusts, driving to madness all unlucky souls who hear it*
Him: WHAT?
Me: *THE UNCEASING DRO
Day 1 of healthy eating
So good to be eating healthily again. I feel fitter and better in myself already
Day 2 of healthy eating
I miss cheese so much I want to cry. I’ve forgotten the taste of chocolate. Vegetables taste of sadness and resentment. I’ve never known such misery
[Halloween]
Lady: what are you this this year?
Me: *dressed as a phone battery meter* I’m at 10% and it’s only 7pm.
Lady: *faints*
(after bedtime)
3:DADDY COME INTO MY ROOM!
Me: go to sleep.
3:YOU HAVE TO COME IN BECAUSE I CAN’T HEAR YOU
M: yes you can
3:NO I CAN’T
I don’t really want to hear about the marathon, unless of course, they add an element of suspense. Like a Bear at mile 3.
Such bullshit that people stop saying “You ate it all! Good job!” once you reach a certain age
Not to brag but my wife just mentioned fireworks in the bedroom to me. She wants me to keep them somewhere else until the 4th but still…
I admire women with the restraint to draw on their eyebrows. I wouldn’t be able to stop until I’d added glasses and a moustache.
I once saw a man walk barefoot across hot coals, and I thought, wow, he could’ve just walked around those. Idiot.
I support Greenpeace because I care about environmental activism, just not enough to do any of the real work myself.
There are two sides to every story and I’m usually wrong in both.
My kid: “Mommy, can you teach me how to pick a lock?”
Me, on the other side of the bathroom door: “No.”
I’m in that fun part of a relationship where everything is new and exciting and we are learning things about each other and I don’t poop.
Damn boy, are you a wool sweater because you’re irritating the shit out of me.
Has anyone ever had a polite awakening?
John Hammond: Damn. The dinosaurs got out and ate everyone
Me: Yeah. I guess there’s no more Jurassic Park
John Hammond:
Me:
John Hammond:
Me: I need to hear you to say it, John
If I wasn’t meant to have a bowl of Halloween candy for dinner, I should’ve had more trick or treaters.
*shows up to the funeral in the same outfit as the deceased*
[Corporate Olive Garden meeting, 1985]
Jesus: Let’s do unlimited breadsticks.
CEO: How can we supply that many?
Jesus: *winks at camera*
My kid just told me he needs to take 120 of something to school tomorrow, so his choices are cheerios or my tears
If you add ‘ish’ on the end of the time, you’re not really late.
*puts 7 pairs of yoga pants on counter*
Cashier: planning on getting in shape I see
Me: god no, these are the only pants that fit me now
I planted all the evidence for evolution once it became clear it did not serve the best interest of My reputation to take credit for you.
*weird horror movie sounds*
me: it’s okay, it was just the cat
cat: ah hell nah
me: what?
demon: meow?