My kids have been joking for weeks about a new pokémon called puke-achu and then they got the stomach flu and brought it to life
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I load up my Volkswagen Beetle just like anyone else: one clown at a time.
VENOM: Time to meet your maker!
SPIDER-MAN: The radioactive spider?
VENOM: No, like-
SPIDER-MAN: My dad? Cuz he’s dead. Wow, ur a douche.
Pregnancy test commercials would be a lot more relatable if the women in them cursed and cried.
Me:[grabbing my guitar] i wrote this for you.
Her: awww.
Me:*pulls note out of guitar hole*
“we’re out of cereal.”
being in a hamock is so comfortabel bc it replicates our condition before birth: being caried to earth inside the beak of a giant pelican
I want you all to understand this might be the funniest tiktok of an animal I have seen in a long time.
*Googles “exercise apps for lazy people”*
*Downloads five apps*
That should do it for today.
Old Macdonald had a really bad scrabble hand……
E – I – E – I – O…..
Wife: he’s always confusing sayings…
Therapist: what if you’re just misinterpreting him?
Me: oooh, check you out playing devil’s avocado
My doctor told me I have acute appendicitis and I said “Compared to who!?”
“Do you want to hear a really good Batman impression?”
“Go on then”
“NOT THE KRYPTONITE!”
“That’s Superman”
“Thanks, I’ve been practicing.”
Me: Make sure Jnr. gets straight A’s…[slides envelope]
Teacher: Is this what I think it is?
Me:[nods] You can use it to send letters & stuff
“What if we put wheels on this toilet?”
*inventor of the RV
I want a pet donkey that will kick people I don’t like on the command, “huh, interesting”.
Why DOES “February” have that extra R? It should just be “Februay.”
duolingo: he is a boy
me: él es un niño
duolingo: she is a girl
me: ella es una niña
duolingo: can i make it anymore obvious
me: puedo—wait
daredevil: [standing in the rain with his girlfriend] i may be blind, but my echolocation allows me to picture you perfectly
her: oh so like you’ll use the sound of the raindrops to-
daredevil: [just starts screaming into her face]
I only like to read about non violent historical events. I’m a pastifist.
I’m 5’4″ – if I was supposed to be the bigger person, God would have made me taller
#MayweathervMcgregor.
Right now, Danny Ocean is robbing the Bellagio.
The writing is on the wall, or on my teen’s arm because I needed to write down a number and couldn’t find a piece of paper.
I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again. Don’t talk to the cashier get your shit and move on. If you need someone to talk too get a parrot
can I just say I hate that working out gives u energy and mental clarity like… why couldn’t it have been sleeping and laying down why does it have to be exercise it’s so rude
Me: *slowly retracts hand from cereal box after failing to grasp the free toy*
Wife: you really need to stop pretending to be a claw machine
Me: *swallows yet another quarter* why
My band is so indie we don’t even record together. You have to buy 4 separate cds and play them at the same time.
“I got in a fight at Michaels over glitter glue once, so you should probably step aside.”
-Me, to a guy buying the last of my favorite wine
My sister just had a baby and I texted the family group chat “oh shit new nephew just dropped” and no one found it funny they were just ashamed of me, which they should be
[Exorcism]
Priest: What is your name?
Demon: Jim
Wife: Jim who owes us $100 or hot Jim?
Demon: Nice legs Carol
Wife: Let’s keep him. Next…
ME: I give you all my love and infection.
HIM: Um. Don’t you mean love and ‘affection’?
ME: …
HIM: …
ME: You should get tested.
Unimpressed