ME: sit
DOG: [sits]
ME: good boy. roll over
DOG: [rolls over]
ME: good. now speak
DOG: [clears his throat] time is the fire in which we all burn
ME: bad dog. very bad
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At least 20 people, including 17 children, were killed when gunmen stormed an army-run school in Peshawar, Pakistan.
i’m kinda confused by all the hbo max tweets. i thought we agreed to be poor together
At my age I don’t need a Halloween costume to be scary, I just show up.
Twitter has ruined my chance at a political career.
Thank goodness.
My friend: I was waiting here and all was normal and then suddenly all hell broke loose
Me:
Me: So, you’ve been waiting at this bus stop since 2019?
I think more people would subscribe to Twitter Blue if we could edit other people’s tweets
Reports say 3 billion Yahoo accounts were hacked and suddenly 3 billion people remembered they had yahoo accounts.
a joke attributed to nasreddin, a medieval turkish humorist
Vin Diesel eats only two meals per day:
1) Breakfast
2) Breakfurious
[Hunting Robots]
Me: You a robot?
Robot: Would a robot read this?
*shows me copy of Totally Not A Robot magazine*M: Hm. That checks out.
I ate the worst cake of my life today, but then again that must have been why it was free at the urinal.
WHERE WAS OBAMA DURING THE SAN FRANCISCO EARTHQUAKE OF 1906???
“This tofu tastes like chicken.”
No one believes you dude.
[Dinner Party]
ME: I’d like to raise a glass…
{years later…}
ME: Son, you’re adopted
GLASS: WHAT?!!
Ever look at someone and think you could spend the rest of your life saying. “What?” to this person?
[doing my stand-up comedy routine to an audience of crickets] guys, just tell me, are you enjoying this or not?
Asked my dad and uncle why they weren’t chatting and my uncle goes “we’re done chatting for today” and my dad nods and they continue watching tv in silence
There’s a fine line between flirty and creepy. And that line is called being good looking.
Judge: State your name.
Me: Not Guilty
Judge: What?
Me: I had it legally changed.
Judge: You’re Not Guilty?
Me: *moonwalks outta there*
My 5yo after I picked her up from school, “someone in my class died…” as I gasped she said, “his hair.” Idk why she had to add that long pause.
I let a girl go through my phone recently so a colonoscopy really doesn’t scare me anymore
Somehow, I must have switched shopping carts while I was at the store. I don’t remember buying any of this stuff.
Or having an Asian baby.
Justin Bieber was “Baptized” last night….
Or as the church likes to call it… “A failed attempt to drown Bieber”
If I cared about being judged by a stranger, I’d be religious.
@ candidates for local office
If I was a germ, I’d probably be from the 0.01% that Purell can not kill.
toddler *banging his hammer on the coffee table*
me: What are you making?
toddler: Noise
My town had a really bad storm 2 days ago& my neighbor lost the roof of his house& the poor guy doesn’t have insurance. I’ve decided to start a gofundme to raise $ so I can go to Hawaii for a few weeks cuz he’s about to start doing construction& I hate being around all that noise
I warned my wife the tattooist was no good and sure enough she came back with disappointment written all over her face.
Naked and not afraid to dance in front of a large crowd.
Unrelated: Ambien is not candy.