me forcing everyone to watch a movie i really like
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Probably the worst part about being a penguin is after you’re in an argument, you’ll try to waddle away angrily but still look adorably cute
I̶t̶’̶s̶ ̶t̶o̶o̶ ̶e̶a̶r̶l̶y̶ ̶t̶o̶ start drinking
I want to be buried in a spring loaded casket filled with confetti.
I just want a future archaeologist to have a great day.
“Let’s wake up super early, stand in the freezing cold with mobs of people & harass a cute little groundhog!” ~White people
Being a parent means throwing your kids under a bus for how messy your house is when company arrives
If her last two boyfriends died in mysterious car explosions, you may not want to heart-eyes emoji her friend’s selfie.
When I die, I want my decaying carcass to be loaded into a giant slingshot and flung into a rich kids bouncy castle.
CNN: We’re not sure but we’ll report it anyway.
My dog wants to register me as her emotional support animal. She’s already called the vet for the required paperwork and ordered me a vest.
[holding hands]
Her: I think I love you
Me: WHAT?
Her: Did I say something wrong?
Me: *running away with only one arm attached* not at all
Found an old, dead mosquito in a storage box. You guys want to try and make a Jurassic Park?
Whatever you do, always give 100%. Unless you’re donating blood
Once a lap dog, always a lap dog
[roleplaying]
her: this is weird
me: [dressed as lumiere from beauty and the beast] say “i’ve been burned by you before”
her: [dressed as the feather duster] no
I’ve been told I look like a young Denzel Washington’s white neighbor.
I forgot the word for decaf so called it a despresso
Know what you miss when your kid gets older? Finding random cheerios laying on every surface all over the house to just snack on.
I haven’t vacuumed since two thousand and twitter.
I’m still upset that my parents didn’t support my dream of becoming an assassin.
I got my husband to watch Game of Thrones with me by telling him “Just wait. There’s a good car chase comin’ up”
Never end a tweet with a question mark. People will talk to you.
His tongue explored the hole, probing deeper and deeper until she just couldn’t take it any more.
‘Would you just eat your donut already?!?’
I put on skinny jeans today and look like a watermelon on stilts
The same plot as the Matrix, only the Matrix runs Windows.
The system crashes on its own.
The human race is saved by shitty programming.
Interviewer: what’s your greatest weakness?
Clark Kent: kryptonite
Interviewer: right, what’s your kryptonite?
Clark Kent: ohhhh I see what you mean. Chips and salsa
M: that’s
O: not
R: how
O: acronyms
N: work
What does it mean when you’re on a date and he pushes you in front of a bus?
I dunno…maybe the Mars Rover can find all the spoons and bowls in my kids bedroom.
Some of you keep touting donuts
as the best breakfast food …..But there are holes in your arguments.
Me irl