Daughter found the wrinkle cream and when I told her what it was for she said, “Daddy, you should use that when you grow up” so I guess my point here is maybe 4 isn’t too young for a pony.
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[Bedroom at midnight]
*scary noises*
Husband: is… is someone in here?
*demonic sounds from the closet*
Husband: honey, are you trying on those jeans again? I told you they don’t fit anymore
*sad demonic noises*
Him: I’m leaving you
Me: *eating a cantaloupe like an apple* why though
Whenever I slide down a brontosaurus right into my car, I can’t help but be reminded of the Flintstones intro
[reptile bar]
SNAKE CHARMER: Well ain’t you a cutie
COBRA *blushing*: tee hee
This idea is the best gift I’ve ever given myself
wanna know what’s worse than being cheated on? finding out he’s trying to cheat but nobody wants him 😭
My 2 year old woke up.
5 minutes of “Mommy!”
5 minutes of “Mommy?”
Said “Daddy?” one time & my wife said, “You should go check on her”.
BOSS: What’s going on here?
ME: Dave’s mad because he specifically labelled his sandwich in the fridge and I accidentally-
DAVE: Not accidentally, on purpose!!
ME: ugh ok FINE. And I, “on purpose”, slept with his wife
[showing off scars]
ME: *lifting shirt* I’ve had this one for as long as I can remember
HER: that’s your bellybutton
Not sure if I should be more concerned about the son who locked me out of my bedroom today, or the one who showed me how to pick the lock.
I like to split up my kid’s orange so he can refuse to eat half at lunch and refuse to eat the other half at snack
Luke: You could hide anywhere in the galaxy and you picked a swamp?
Yoda: Afford anything nicer, I couldn’t. Shitty credit, I have.
Wait one second “Mario Brothers” Implies that Luigi’s name is Luigi Mario and Mario’s name is Mario Mario….What is this I’m smoking again?
mom, did you know there are more kids than teachers at my school?
-my 7 year old making the best of her public education
“We have nothing to fear but fear itself.”
-People who have never seen a flying cockroach
Sometimes you find a video that reminds you why social media is the best thing ever
If we can land on Mars then we can figure out how to get someone else to go to the bathroom for me I’m not discussing this further
“You can’t bring road kill on the plane.”
“It’s my carrion.”
“if anyone asks, i’ve been here the whole time”
11yo: why are you doing dishes with your jeans undone?
me: no sweetie. It’s; YAY MOMMY! YOU GOT THOSE JEANS ON!
I sign all anniversary cards with ‘Way to commit to the bit!’
The fact that ‘head and shoulders’ doesn’t have a body wash called knees and toes is as much as a disappointment to me, as I am in myself, for writing this Tweet.
American government is of the people, by the people and for the people. Which begs the question: what is wrong with you people?
Do you want to taunt a snowman?
2: [looks at old photo]
Papa you have no beard?Me: That was a long time ago, before Papa grew one.
4: [looks at same photo]
This before Mama had one, too?My wife:
Me: [sighs] 4 years. You had a good run, son.
NURSE: What’s your blood type?
ME: Oh, I’m not picky. I’ll drink any kind.
NURSE: What?
ME: What?
I tried that whole “if you love something, set it free” thing but my kids are still here.
Register for a new blender on your baby registry. It drowns out the crying and makes margaritas. You’re welcome.